Amazingly Compelling Reasons To Hire Me

My Resume


  • I’m now wombless so will never take maternity leave.
  • You’ll never catch me screwing around on company time. I’m too fucking smart to get caught.
  • My work will be completed way before deadline. I won’t burden you with this knowledge though. How else will there be time to keep up with personal correspondence?
  • I get along with everyone. Even those I secretly loathe.
  • Being clean and sober for more than 10 years virtually guarantees I’ll never call in sick on a Monday or Friday.
  • I make an amusing decorative piece.
  • The Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a Free Bonus. Do you have any idea of how much this contributes to a skillfully designed graphic, snippet of web code, review, column, script, storyboard or production design?
  • My creativity and ingenuity will surprise you. Maybe not in a good way either.
  • If my child is sick or out of school she can bloody well stay home alone. I’d rather be working with you than suffering through the horrors of teen-age hell.
  • My ragtime and stride piano playing will wow you. Maybe you should purchase a piano for the break room and let me spend most of the day in there.
  • We are out of fresh food, gas for the car, Nicorette, money to pay Sierra Pacific, AT&T and the landlord. Do you think it’s cheap supporting a Nicorette habit? Hell, crack is probably less expensive.
  • I really am funny ha-ha and funny strange
  • My successful business acumen and marketing strategies are undeniable. It is only in romantic dealings that I bankrupt.
  • You’ll enjoy my dynamic voice-over work and I promise to eschew any scripts which call for vocalizing the words dog or always. You can take the girl out of Brooklyn

    My last entrepreneurial endeavor
    included owning an espresso bar. 
     Behold my Latte Art heart.

    Cabin  Fever Latte


  • Re-Writing a resume is becoming tedious.
  • A complete and utter distaste for viable real-world skills

Resume Available on Request! yes seriously

Currently listening: Say You Will By: Fleetwood Mac Release date: 15 April, 2003

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