Hello all. Your favorite prophet of tenebrous holiday greetings here. Let me be the first to wish you a happy holiday. Oh yes a very happy holiday indeed.
Had to run into Michael’s the other day to pick up a picture frame. Upon entering I was overcome with all things Christmas. Being who I am there was the predictable effect.
I burst into tears.
Quickly completed my quest with eyes averted to the floor. No need for anyone else besides myself (and you of course) to know this.
So it’s Christmas and the first thing that occurs to me is the statistical hike in suicides this time of year. That’s something I’ve always understood. It makes good clean American sense.
It’s not a metaphysical stat such as oh, more crimes of passion being committed during a full moon. This probably happens only because you can actually see what the fuck you’re aiming at.
The holidays though… that’s a hell of a lot of baggage.
This year will be a joy.
My daughter leaves on Friday and returns on January 6th to spend the holiday with her dad.
I have no beau.
My mom is going to see her husband’s kids.
I’ve no interest in spending the holiday with another family. That’s torture. It’s depressing and makes a person feel even more of an outcast.
So, I’m planning on stocking up on everything I’ll need for Christmas alone.
Here’s my to-do and shopping list so far:
Milk –not soy
Government cheese and bread
Box of blank CDs to Back-up computer
Send out resume to more potential employers
New box of straight edge razor blades
Clean the house. Again. Every day. Every hour why not.
Take phone off the hook. Perhaps then I can finally avoid the nightly phone calls from mom
Make sure to get receipts for everything I buy with the remaining $50.00 of an IRA which I was forced to cash in last week.
Be of good cheer on the outside
Plenty of gas to fill up the car
Get skis waxed
Garden hose (in case there is not enough snow to ski)
Refill all prescriptions
Place razor blades, garden hose, skis, Christmas CD I am currently burning, and all prescriptions into car.
Drive into the mountains at night. Turn on my Christmas CD.
This CD could alternately be titled:
Music to Take A Dirt Nap By
You may notice a theme if you’ve any shred of decency, pain and darkness in your soul. Feel free to suggest any songs here that I may have missed. There’s always time to burn another disc before the 24th!
Oh yes, please have a very happy holiday and be sure to mark a designated driver.
Everybody Hurts REM
You Had a Bad Day Daniel Powter
Wise Up Aimee Mann
Love Will Save Us All Jeff Austin Black
Keep Me In Your Heart Warren Zevon
Please Call Me Baby Tom Waits
Save Me Aimee Mann
Mad World Gary Joules version (by Tears for Fears)
Late Ben Folds
Brick Ben Folds
It’s Not Your Fault New Found Glory
Wouldn’t Mama Be Proud Elliot Smith
Bird on a wire Leonard Cohen
You Belong to Me Carly Simon
Angel Sarah McLachlan
The Scientist Coldplay
Trouble Elliot Smith version (by Cat Stevens)
Hurt Johnny Cash version (by NIN)
What Sara Said Death Cab For Cutie
Pink Floyd Wish you were here
Volcano Damien Rice
One more thing in case you were wondering.
No, I am not imbued with the Christmas spirit at this time. Yes there is a slight possibility that I am suffering from depression.
Slight. Very slight.