Executive Whack-Job

I got a puppy!
Not really.

This is true though:

January is:
National Clean Up Your Computer Month
and National Poverty in America Awareness Month

So please let me come over and de-frag your computer and clean up those temp files. In return you can laugh at my penury.

Thank god that National Healthy Weight Week doesn’t start until the 21st. There’s still plenty of time for ice cream at 2:00 am and chocolate for lunch.
Speaking of weight it seems I’ve inadvertently lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks. Well they’re not really lost per se since I don’t miss them and have no intention of finding the fuckers.

In other odd news:

I may have a job as an outside contractor for a site build-out and design, and maybe more work to follow.

On to the heart of the blog…

The other day I mentioned the strange emails which appear in the ol’ Inbox.

Here are the four basic types that flutter into my world:
1. Personal correspondence (who uses the phone anymore except for tk and I at 1:00 am?)
2. Ouija questions and stories (THE most entertaining emails ever)
3. Responses to my resume which is posted all over the net
4. Comments and questions from readers of my blog, both here and on wordpress.com

Example of Number One:

—– Original Message —–
From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: blackraven@damnedgames.com
Sent: Tuesday, January 16, 2007 8:34 PM
Subject: It’s Over

Dear Rachael,
You and I both know that things have not been well between us for the past few weeks. It may have started when you told me to go home that night and hump my dog. Or it could have been the time you said that making love to me was the most painful experience you’ve had since that dental surgery.
Last week I met a beautiful and soft-spoken girl. She’s 19 but looks 17. Not that I am making a negative comparison to you! It is just that she has the perkiest breasts, hardest body and tightest ass I’ve ever seen.
I still think of you, usually while I’m screwing her brains out. I think ‘Thank you god, now I have someone who will be quiet and quit making so much goddamned noise’. Rachael, I never would have had that revelation if it were not for you.
I just wanted you to know that I’ll miss you forever, even while my new girlfriend and I are in Cannes next week.
Every time I hear her breathlessly whisper ‘Oh Paul please teach me to read’ I’ll think of your book collection. Every time she tells me I’m so mature and funny I’ll think of the way you rolled your eyes at my jokes about the Grecian Urn.

Rachael I loved you and always will. Be well and never worry about your lack of humor and the underwire bras you have to wear. It’s a shame that you are getting so old but just remember that the next time my girlfriend and I buy lingerie together (did I tell you about her breasts?) you’ll be in my thoughts.
Yours Always,
Paul

————————————————————-

Example of Number Two:

yes this is verbatim and real. God help us all.
I get a slew of these each week

—– Original Message —–
From: Gabe Gonzales
To: blackraven@damnedgames.com
Sent: Wednesday, January 17, 2007 12:08 AM
Subject: SATAN, HIS MAJESTY, WILL MANGLE YOUR SOUL!

Like everyone else, my group of pals used to Ouij every now and then just for spooky kicks. We’d make our boards and planchettes out of whatever was around. One night my buddy Tony was being particularly obnoxious with the board, asking stupid ?s about U.F.O.s and crap. He asked it to tell us a joke. Its reply: “Satan went into a bar….” That’s all. I’m sure that was the joke.
Later, he asked it to do or say something to really spook us out. It came back with probably the single most evil statement I have ever seen the board make to this day.
It said: “SATAN, HIS MAJESTY, WILL MANGLE YOUR SOUL!.” It was one of those moments when we all lifted our hands up and stared at each other in a collective “whoa, dude….”
I’m much older now and rarely have the opportunity to use the board these days, but that did not keep me from making really nice one out of wood, with hand burnished lettering and a shine like a guitar. I have only used it twice. I guess I like still to spook myself occasionally, even in my older (wiser?) years.

G-O-O-D-B-Y-E
—————————————————–
Clearly this guy is waiting for Squirrel Appreciation Day which is on the 21st of this month. Note I left his actual name and email address here. feel free to send him a note.

Example of Number Three:

hey blackraven!
your resume is fantastic.

Are you looking for work as independent contractor or some type of full time position?
I desparately need some help with a web site that I have been trying to put together for longer than I like to admit. I just don’t have the skills. If you think you might be interested in giving me a hand, please get back with your rates (shudder).
The web site is http://www.——–.us. it is roughed in. I understand this is a mistake that I shouldn’t have made and need to get something meaningful up and running soon.
I have an extensive background in law enforcement, security and investigations. I am a former successful weekly newspaper editor and publisher and have either belonged to, been involved with, served on, run, or been in charge of various business and political stuff that would bore the average person to tears, if listed here.
I currently serve on several boards here. you can check me out if you like. i also have a listing on thexxxxx county chamber of commerce web site under “xxxxxxx.” the chamber web site is http://www.xxxxxxx.net and http://www.xxxxxx.org.
Please let me know if you are interested. I don’t have the greatest budget in the world for this but I know something has to be done, even if it is in a small way.
thanks,
xxxxxxxxxx
p.s. how did you ever get steered away from your music major?

————————————————————————-

Now how cool was that? I’ve received two wonderful replies in the last week. I am meeting with his guy on Monday morning. He’s a total character and we crack each other up. He told me I’m not allowed to say ‘fuck’ in front of his wife though. Shockingly enough I’m capable of going at least 10 or 11 sentances without slipping in my favorite expletive.
He may have more than a one time gig for me. He used to run a weekly newspaper and also has a media company. Wish me luck on this one. I’m happy as hell.

Example of Number Four

My favorite email this week is from is the best and finest of whack-jobs.
This guy isn’t a Weirdo whack-job, he’s an EXECUTIVE whack-job….

New comment on your post #39 “I Was Possessed! THE SHOCKING TRUE STORY!”
Author : —————— E-mail : ———@hotmail.com
URL : http://visionandxxxxx.net

– – – – – – – – –
Comment:

It’s hard to tell from your brief note but if you do have missing
memory and other disturbing mental episodes you might have exposure from
visual Subliminal Distraction.
Has the problem gotten worse? Were you just writing the story for entertainment?
If you have a serious problem visit my site and start with the
psychology demonstration page.
– – – – –
You can see all comments on this post here:
www.yoyodyne.wordpress.com Comments

—————————————————————————
Now you can tell just by the title of my original post that I’d written the piece as a goof. Naturally I thought that this guy was being irascible and sardonic as well. His url alone struck me as funny.
So I go check it out and find that he is Dead Fucking Serious. I’m reading through his pages, trying to find wit where there is none. You have GOT to see this site. Whoa. Nutcase-O-Rama.

Email me if you’d like the link to

Tinfoil Hat Guy’s Website

After being stunned into silence by his seriousness and arrogance I almost fell off of the chair laughing. The next thing I thought was ‘Hey! I have got to blog about this blog comment!’
Maybe the poor bastard will read it and email me again. I can probably teach him a few simple jokes to start and we’ll go from there. When he’s finally ready to give up wearing the tinfoil hat I’ll steer him to a few non-psychotic medical and neuroscience sites.
In the meantime I’ll continue to crack up.
So who needs a puppy when you get stuff like this every week and it’s FREE FREE FREE!

On that note I’ll gently remind you to remember the remainder of January’s best holidays.

Answer Your Cats Questions Day: 22
Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: 29
Inane Answering Message Day: 30

If only there were an Inane Email Message Day I’d be in heaven.
Or better yet Queen of the Parade.

~Miss R

Currently listening :Elephunk

By Black Eyed Peas
Release date: By 26 May, 2004

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