You know I could be crazier

In this house the phrase ‘good morning’ is an oxymoron.
My usual first thoughts upon awakening are:
Ohfortheloveofgod I’m still alive
Did I get more than 3 full hours of sleep?
Sleeping alone sucks and I’m cold

Robert pointed out it’s been more than 10 days since I’ve posted a blog. Yikes. Bad Rachael. No spanking.

It’s been a strange few weeks. Busy and intense at times but mainly positive with smiles, new experiences and kind people.

Fear is my only real enemy. It kills the spirit, laughter and optimism.
Anger is fear turned inside out. When I become angry it is always based on a fear.
Too bad that knowing something on a logical level and taking it in emotionally are two separate courses though.

My personal demons are torturous and impossible to exorcize (gee Rach no way! Your cerebral and collective process seems so balanced and healthy based on these blogs!).
Yet it is always fear which paralyzes me, sends me into isolation, and causes me to sabotage myself.
Fear of losing something. Or someone. Fear of not obtaining a goal or ideal.
Life is scary right now. There are fires.
Yes it will get better, I’m working out one crisis at a time and the skies will clear…. but dammit! Pushing through the muck and not giving in to total despondency and hopelessness takes a toll. The chatter and worries in my head cause me to make errors in the conscious everyday world.  
What do you mean I make mistakes? Are you saying I’m a human being?!
Get outta town!

On the bright side I could be a HELLUVA lot crazier

Luckily there are the rare empathetic and good people (one in particular my dear tk) who seem to understand the darkness and idiocy which overtake me on occasion. A real friend doesn’t judge. Oh sure, they’ll become exasperated and wish to throttle you every so often but who doesn’t.

I try not to judge my few friends and just be there for them. If you’re anything like me you know that’s the test. Loving someone for who they are. I’m still working on the principle in regards to myself though. Sheesh.
Okay that’s enough introspection for one day. In writing at least. If only I could purchase a new super-deluxe tinfoil hat to block out the neuroses from my own whirring mind.

I’ve finished working on a site for a client. He doesn’t understand that I’m DONE with the project. The guy’s a whack-job extraordinaire and has made my life a nightmare with his neediness over the last two months.
If I wanted a needy obsessed clingy whack-job I’d still be married.

He wants to discuss what role I’d like to play in the future with his ‘company’. I’m asking for the role of the corpse.
Ramen every day and living in a cardboard box would be preferable to working with/for him again. Hell, I’d rather dine on broken rusty razor blades ala broken glass.
It’s good and good for you.
During the two days I was at Sierra Hot Springs over the weekend he called 6 times and sent 13 emails. Aiiiiiiiiiiii.

Oooooh wait until you hear about the strange and amusing place that is Sierraville

Weird people. Bulgur wheat. Aging hippies. Young people twirling fire in the parking lot. No alcohol. No smoking. No talking. Hostile yet apathetic employees. No sexual activity at the pools. Yeah babe that’s my kinda place!
It made for a wonderful and funny few days of subterfuge and people watching. More to follow on that.

I was going to go skiing this morning but the demon child claims she is sick. Again. Bullshit. Again.
I see her taking a semester trip to live with her father in the future. Bwahahahaha. Take that you hormonal, manipulative, moody, flip-a-switch-and-I’m-bugfuck-crazy child. Still love her though.

What was that about exasperation and wanting to throttle someone but loving them so instead you just sit back and watch the show?
Here’s a fabulous article on a study done helping to explain the sheer insanity of teens and the relationship between stress hormones and uh, the sheer insanity of teens.
Oh well, there are quite a few errands to run and a pile of laundry which threatens to overtake the apartment.

Welcome to Lifestyles of the Self-Deprecating
and Cognitively Deranged!

Tune in next week when our special guests will be….
The Sun is Shining and Warm, Two More Fire Are Out and of course the world  famous I AM skiing.

~Miss R

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