My daughter started school in Idyllwild Monday. She starts a job after school this week as well.
Things will get better for her I know it, and this summer I will fly her out for a week at least.
The house is quiet and so odd without her.
I don’t miss the insane drama but I do miss her.
The past few days have been spent trying to relax in the sunshine. Keeping the aggressive and unceasing din of thought from overtaking my consciousness. Still, there have been hours occupied with pain, anomalistic behaviors and mental deductions. Luckily I’ve been left alone during those incidents to grieve and wallow in bits of self-pity instead of chastised for going to the dark place.
Seems there is some kind of damned platitude involving time healing.
Yeah. I’m all over it.
Today was an electrifying foray into the real world. A trip to the gym, which resulted in some caloric loss and many new and unusual aches. Then it was four loads of laundry in the truly skeevy laundry room here at The Hovel Arms.
My home currently sports the unusual décor of antiques, blouses and lingerie.
With the kid gone there are plenty of hangers. Did I mention that the house has remained clean as well? Nice.
I didn’t really have a desire to write this evening. There is so much to do right now with Cate gone and the reality of just existing back in view.
Said life is pretty much fucked-the-hell-up at this point in time so I have gone into fetal position mode this evening.
Point One: I have not worked since steadily since September
Point Two: Was informed today that my Medicaid is not covering ANYTHING from the last 4 months. In layman’s terms; I am seriously fucked with no dinner, drinks or lube.
Point Three: Every friggin utility bill and the car payment are due this week. What the hell is up with that? Ugh.
Point Four: See Point One.
I’ve got to get rid of the storage unit ASAP. It holds my few large antique pieces plus at least 10×10 feet of JUST inventory from my former store.
Why can’t I sell this stuff? Even at way way below wholesale?
Have tried Craigslist, eBay, newspaper ads. Argh.
Am going to try eBay. Again. Or find an arsonist with reasonable rates. The problem is all of the work selling off the inventory on eBay. The fees even if it does not move, the images, the descriptions, figuring the weight on case lots and half case lots. The whole thing makes my head reel. Had a store on there for a while, besides my damnedgames.com e-commerce site. It sucketh yea verily.
Have decided to cancel the cable TV this week. $60.00 a month is a lot of money to spend in order to fall asleep to Court TV and the History Channel. Have gotten used to doing that with the insomnia. Scary. I’d only originally gotten the damned Cable for my daughter.
Am going to cancel the telephone land line as well.
Now how in the HELL am I going to fit the piano into a shopping cart if disability doesn’t come through soon? If you’re an engineer please send suggestions. If you’re one of my singularly smart-ass friends you know what you can do.
Luckily TK took me in for the past few days and watched over me, made me laugh, and put up with my crap. I’ve overstayed his hospitality and am home to make some hard decisions and hopefully progress.
I’ll consult with Lizzie Borden tonight. Since we’re both nocturnal it’s a great time for a summit meeting. Barring that we can sharpen knives.
Maybe we can locate my missing sense of humor during the night-time hours. I cleaned today so it’s not behind the couch this time.
Here’s the real reason for writing this evening:
I miss you Catie. I can’t even consider sleep.
I’m sad and lonely and frightened and I hate it.
At least the laundry is clean though.
By: Death Cab for Cutie
Release date: 30 August, 2005