—written May 2, 2007——
So tomorrow morning my daughter is off to live with her father.
The flight leaves at 10:55 am and she starts school in Idyllwild on Monday.
This is destroying me.
There was another Chernobyl-worthy melt-down Saturday night, at which point I was treated to a verbal barrage equal only to Linda Blair’s character in the Exorcist.
‘Go FUCK yourself.’ You can’t make me stop swearing” Fuck you I don’t have to listen to you.’
All the while said demon was attempting to barricade itself into one of the rooms at TK’s house while intermittently threatening to break a drinking glass and slash her wrists. Oh yes, she also advised TK to go fuck himself as well.
What a great time was had by all. You shoulda been there.
This was the day after TK had allowed her to have a sleep-over there with three of her friends, where they were treated like the spoiled little wanna-be goth princesses they are. Tons of food, TV, late hours, a soak in the spa, etc.
I am exhausted and so very very lucky that TK is even speaking with me. Yeah I’m quite the friend:
“Excuse me TK? I have a surly 114 pound bag of screaming drama with me. May we please come in? Oh is it alright if she is abusive as hell to you for being kind?”
So after the door was besieged and psycho-child was removed to the kitchen table I called…. West Hills! On the drive over my loving daughter kept making attempts –not real or valiant enough- to jump out of the moving car. The machinations were enough to fucking piss me off and bring on an anxiety attack though.
Once there we were ushered into the office of Large Marge.
Oh I liked this bitch. She fucking rocks.
She looks Cate straight in the eye and says
“You do not belong here. You are not crazy. You’re a drama queen. Do you think your mom has $1000.00 a day to keep you here? no?
Do you think this is a revolving door? There are kids here who are really sick.
You’re nothing but manipulative little bitch”.
My kid was dumbfounded. I was smiling ear to ear. Surreptitiously of course.
Finally someone other than myself, Cate’s dad, my dad and TK confronted Cate with it.
Spoke to her dad on Sunday. He is happy to have her there now. Especially since he’s afraid of the State of Nevada demanding child support. Gee, that whole thing happened at a strange time in hindsight didn’t it?
I am giving this a try. I’ll probably end up paying child support, which is ironic since I never got a cent over the last 10 plus years but oh well. I will continue to pay for her braces and everything else as well because, well, she’s my daughter.
She will start back at the school she left in 3rd grade Everyone in Idyllwild knows my daughter’s dad and me. My dad and his wife are there as well. There is no where for the kids to go except home after school, this is a tiny village. Think Mayberry RFD at 6000 feet.
Her dad is quite savvy to the situation and my daughter’s life is about to change dramatically.
She will not be able to pick her friends
She will share a bedroom with her younger half-sister (who is autistic won’t that be a blast)
She will live in a single-wide trailer
Who lives in a single wide under the trees?
She will not be eating expensive Morningstar and Boca vegetarian food and will have to actually COOK her non-meat meals.
She no longer has her own computer
She no longer has her own TV
Yet she STILL doesn’t get it, evidenced by this statement… “Mom can I have a going away party?”
I hope that it works.
I want her to be happy. She’s an Advanced Placement genius kid who suddenly began getting C’s this semester, swearing at me (that was SO weird!), and taking up with serious losers.
What’s so wrong is that she is a good kid. She’s a fabulous writer and has a beautiful singing voice. She’s not a sociopath. She cries when she sees a hurt animal on TV, or hears of a child who has been abused. She will not eat meat because she knows too much about slaughterhouse methods.
She has apologized profusely after each of her recent episodes but it does not count to me.
Saying sorry is not making an amends. Changing your behavior is making an amends.
I’ve been packing her bag, going through her room and crying non-stop today.
There’s more to this week’s installment of course. Some funny happenings, some horrifying situations, some poignant conversations.
I’m just not currently cogent enough to articulate all of it right now.
This is a piss-off rambling essay but I had to get it out. Been offline for a few days taking care of this most recent ring of hell.
Yeah teenagers are fuckers and I’m not sure why my own parents didn’t murder me in my sleep. Still, she has crossed the line on too many variables, and I have tried everything from punishment (taking things away) to coercion, to severity to therapy.
I love her more than my own life. More than anyone or anything.
Maybe you understand. Maybe you don’t.
Maybe I’m just too beaten down to care anymore.
Citizen Steely Dan: 1972-1980
By: Steely Dan
Release date: 14 December, 1993