I‘m trying to find some ways to feel better. The past three days have been colored with darkness, occluded by sadness and imbued with both hurt and guilt. Instead of feeling better about things I’m worse tonight.
These are all feelings that cognizant people work through. At times though the abyss is so black and the future so frightening that even finding that starting point seems pointless. Suffering clinical depression, overcoming a severe illness and trauma of all kinds exacerbate despair.
This essay is an effort to help myself.
Maybe you will find something of value as well.
Or, maybe you’ll simply say ‘ohfortheloveofchristrachael!’ call your shrink and take a xanax.
The kicker is this: it’s my life. You can always turn the page right?
Friends are hard to come by. Friends are people with whom we have real things in common. This indicates that we can also push each other’s buttons and have many of the same reactions to outside stimuli, be it good or bad.
I’m one of those folks who have learned to keep anger inside, hidden and buried. To show emotion, whether happiness or anger, in our family was to be ignored. It was not respectable. Later in marriage it was a cause to be screamed down and abused. There will be no feelings here dammit! Bad Rachael! No Donut!
I still jump at loud noises or a raised voice. Jesus. Slow learner or what.
I’m so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or being yelled at or taunted that I don’t say anything until my anger reaches levels of epic stupidity.
Until of course it comes roiling out at usually inappropriate times. Or better yet, at a person or thing that does not deserve the level of my ire.
I’ve also been known to make light of the things which scare me. It puts the situation off and diffuses uncomfortable feelings. My own daughter even accuses me of this…. because it’s true. It’s another coping mechanism.
‘Cause what do people do? We’re at heart selfish and self-centered and easily hurt. It doesn’t matter if we’re also a soft touch, caring, giving, loving and want the best for those we love. That old animal instinct is still there.
Even Mother Teresa wanted to kick someone’s ass at times.
Not good for me, my blood pressure or the poor bastard (or bitch) who is around when I finally can’t keep those things inside any longer. Of course by this time my hurts have grown into monsters instead of simplistic problems that could have been worked out.
Rule Number One: Talk things out right away.
Why in the hell do I forget this on a regular basis? It’s so simple and effective but I am so afraid. Your partner or friend cannot read your mind, no matter how much they love you. Ouija board not included.
Rule Number Two: Learn to forgive
I’ve found over the years, when I fucking remember, that the best way to get over any anger is to forgive. Even if the anger is misplaced.
Either forgive the person who has said something to hurt me, or harder yet, forgive myself.
It’s a bitch to forget the hurt and anguish you went through. It takes a lot of convincing on your part, but it can be done. Forgiving releases pain.
Writing a letter to the person who has caused me anguish and pain helps. Writing in detail what they did and its effects. In the end, I normally write “I forgive you for all the pain you caused me. Much Love.” then I BURN THE FUCKING LETTER AND do NOT send the fucker.
TK gave me a great piece of advice one night when I was pissed off at someone. He said “wait 24 hours before you send that!”.No shit, it sounds simple.
I forget the cathartic effect of simply writing about how I feel and then just deleting, or better yet, burning the missive. It works too. Oh god I’ve mentioned my version of drinking and dialing… it’s called insanity and writing –shudder-.
Rule Number Three: Admit my part in an altercation.
We ALWAYS play a part somewhere. I have said something somewhere somewow to incite the current incident or problem. Doesn’t matter if it was knowing or unknowing. Everyone STILL plays a part in the outcomes of their lives. Thinking back to see where I fit in is a big step in allowing me to find a bit of understanding. Damned if I don’t forget this one as well.
Rule Number Four: No one is perfect
Say it ain’t so. Who has not had a disagreement with a friend/lover/spouse or family member? If you have strong feelings for someone then it’s gonna happen. It’s about remembering that we all make mistakes AND we can learn from them. Making amends means changing a behavior that is hurtful and it just cannot happen overnight. To me it indicates that willingness to give it all I have to change my reactions AND actions. Willingness and action together. Fuck more work no not again.
Rule Number Five: Exposing Vulnerability
This is the hardest thing in the world for me. Seriously. I’ve been accused of being unapproachable. Never unfriendly, rude, cold, or lacking in humor. Just unapproachable in matters of friendship. Sadly I feel the need to keep up that facade.
It’s true. How can I share myself with someone else when I don’t really appreciate anything about myself? More work on this one. Although humanity in general DOES tend to piss me off.
Rule Number Five: Be Friends
Share the good the bad and the oh-so-ugly. If someone is really your friend they will understand. If they’re not then it will hurt but you’ll know. Do stuff together. Make fun of retards. Kick back and just read a book in the same vicinity. Do the things that make you both happy. Together.
Rule Number Six: Always order extra sour cream at the Mexican Restaurant
Betcha didn’t think that this belonged her but it does. Why, my last marriage broke up over just such an incident. Never underestimate the power of enough sour cream to bring joy into your life.
Well clearly I’m not a doctor. Hell I’m a two time loser at the Alter (with the exception of that human sacrifice thing but that’s another blog for another night).
I just write this to try and sort out some feelings and thoughts and maybe have something to look back on.
My natural state is laughter at everything including myself. Being this sad is killing me, and that goes literally for a person such as myself.
We all want love and acceptance. Crave it. It’s the human condition and that’s the proverbial Good that goes with the Bad.
Talking it out, admitting vulnerability, being friends and sharing the special experiences and most of all forgiveness.
Wonder if one of the tattoo places here in Reno can ink that paragraph on the inside of my eyelids. That’s gotta hurt.
I can be right or I can be happy.
Happy is healthier and more fun.
Life is so fleeting. I could be dead tomorrow.
You could be dead tomorrow.
I want to spend the little time I have here smiling, joking, making love, being a smart-ass and learning.
Not gloating in private.
Well okay sometimes. Just for a few minutes each month.
Little Shop Of Horrors: Original Cast Album (1982 Off-Broadway Cast)
By: Alan Menken
Release date: 25 August, 1992