Famous Last Words…. Indeed

Here in Reno we have a weekly free rag called the Reno News and Review.
Every city has one. You know, the tabloid style paper with the local happenings in town, a few editorials by the staff, reviews of local bands and of course ads. Reno News and Review (the RNR for short) is geared towards a demographic of 21 to 40.
No not ages. Number of readers.
You know you have one in your town. The (Insert Your Town Name Here) Village Voice Wannabee.

There’s nothing newsworthy worth reading, except when a friend is interviewed (or better yet when it was me) but I always skim the thing every week. I like live music and want to see who’s playing in town.
There’s a weekly column in each issue where a burning social question is put to random members of Reno’s ‘man on the street’.
This week it was “What will be your last words.”

Dear god help me. The respondents in this issue were so astoundingly insipid, devoid of insight and lacking in wit that I was filled with awe. And nausea.
Not to mention the desire to strangle each and every one of the morons if I should come across them.
Luckily a higher brain function kicked in and I’ve resorted to words instead or swords.

Here were a few of the answers provided by the hoi poli of Reno society.
As a bonus to the readers of the Reno News and Review the interviewee’s pictures appeared next to their comments:

RNR Question: What would your last words be?

Renoid Number One:” I want to give my undying loyalty to the Dodgers and tell them to win a series!” (sic)
Renoid Number Two: I want to thank all of the lovely women I’ve known.

I’m not going to go on. It only becomes more painful.

Let’s start with Cretin Number One (next to the box where Carol Merrill is standing); what the hell are you percolating in that little brain bud? These are your final dying words; to family, friends, loved ones, Bartlett’s Quotations? You’re talking about a fucking sports team? An L.A. sports team no less. This is Reno. Just mention the word ‘California’ here and you’re in for a severe beating. Ugh. Good choice on that interviewee RNR. Once again you’ve proven your acumen for providing insightful and interesting local color.

Cretin Number Two: Oh where to start? I’m thinking this doofus can be summed up in one phrase: Gap-toothed inbred motherfucker. I did mention the pictures right? This poor bastard was such a loser with his snagglepuss face and ball cap that the only women he has known in his life are his mom and sisters. Pray to God it’s not in the biblical sense.
So I’m sure you’re saying “Really Rachael you’re shooting fish in a barrel and in Reno that’s too simple even for your puerile mind”. Which of course is true. And fun. And incredibly sporting as well.

It’s just that I started thinking -immediately- about Honest Last Words. True Last Words. Last Words of the Ages. Here are a few that really deserved to be in the RNR. Ah fuck it. They deserve to be here in my blog because at least what I write isn’t complete drivel. I have a high Anti-Drivel Co-Efficient.
Just ask me.
As for myself I’d vote for Tallulah Bankhead’s final utterance… “codeine…bourbon.”

Rachael Asks: What would your final words be?

Would you PLEASE take that knife out of my baackkkkk –thud-
I thought Nicole and I were playing were Clue.
See you at Easter! (courtesy of TK)
Hand me my vibrator Jeeves
I told you they were real
Sanitized for your protection (courtesy of TK)
I thought you said Biggest Little City in Nevada
How many licks does it taaaaaa
Hand me that piano
It’s only a flesh wound
Fuck you boss! This is the winning lottery ticke… -thud-

For even more morbid fun (is there any other kind?) I have a few Last Words thoughtfully provided for my good friends. Here you go kids…

John G. “This thing will do 146 MPH!”
Robert ” I TOLD you I was horny!”
Max “yeah yeah yeah you’re the best screenwriter at Cantor’s”
Gonzo “Nuclear Medicine is perfectly safe”
Catie “Mom bring me more Banana Boat SPF 15 because I don’t feel so well”
Chris “Ooooh I guess that did hurt”
Rebecca “I thought that sex couldn’t actually kill you”
EJ “…hang… the… DJ”
Angus “Heretic? I shall be reborn… Yo! Jesus! Ma Main Man!”
Abear “I hear Music”
Fatsavage “fucking FBI. Fucking Lawyers. Oh shitttttttt”
Peter“Oh yeah baby do it! Holy Shit is that my WIFEEEEEEE……”
Amanda “I want my money back you prick”
Evil Prince “What do you mean Dead Man’s Hand!”
Rachael (yeah moi) “fuck this. Give me that Bushmills and an Onyx”

Of course nothing in the world will ever top my favorite headstone
written beforehand (smart bastard!) by Mel Blanc

Deathly Unserious,

Miss R

10 thoughts on “Famous Last Words…. Indeed

  1. Sept 23, 2005 I almost killed myself by doing something really stupid (it seemed like a good idea at the time) and this is what I said…

    “That was stupid…”

    I shit kid you not.

    Great post.


  2. thanks kevin,
    love it!
    here’s something you’ll adore…. in december ’93 i did the same thing and immediately afterwards said ‘that was stupid…. it IS 911 right?”
    i should do a follow-up blog with the best witty famous last words comments i get on this blog.


  3. No way. The hash browns at Cantor’s are terrible.

    The last time people thought I might be
    dyind and were making radical threats like
    they were going to call a helicopter and
    air vac me to a bigger hospital or something,
    I made them get me a piece of paper and pencil
    to write my dad’s number down on so someone
    could call him and he would know to go feed
    the dogs if I was dead.

    That is usually what is going through my head
    when people think I am dying — what or who has
    to be taken care of if I do check out.


  4. My Mother at 90 told me about my lifestyle that a lifetime on the edge and simply falling off might be better afterall – especially when you consider a death in an old age home.

    You have made me jealous of John G. and Peter.


  5. How about

    “That was sooooo Coooooolllll!”

    “yes, yes YES YES OH GOD YES GOD OH FUCK!”

    “Hey Bubba, watch this!”

    “No, it’s not dangerous at all!”

    “I wonder what happens when you mix this with…”

    “Aww, you’re just imagining things…”

    “No, of course it’s not loaded.”

    “I doubt the Bush administration has even heard of me.”

    “What truck?”

    “Shit, that’s gonna hurt.”

    Ok, I’m done for now.



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