The Entropy of Self-Loathing

Through my own fault I am alone
Again
Forgetting that there are things I am not fit to do
Especially to excess
Especially during times of stress
Especially when I am a bitch born

I open my mouth and words fall out of their own volition
Again
Words that are inappropriate
Hurtful
Stupid
Senseless
Which makes me all of those things

I would like to evaporate
Again
Be a desiccated leaf on a pile of dirt
Finally disappearing
My emotions and mind are already brittle
There isn’t much further to go then

Being alone with this head is unbearable
Again
The smoke and soot of the fire a perfect metaphor
For how I have scorched this chance
Especially when I have inadvertently scalded a loved one
Especially when it is difficult to go on each day
Especially when there is no real reason to do so

Without someone who understands that I am fucked up
Again
Without laughter
Without the ups and downs and right and left
There is no reason
For anything
Again

~Miss R


Currently listening:
The Heart of Saturday Night
By: Tom Waits

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