What I Did On My Summer Vacation : Installment One: Retards and Busted RVs

–written July 16–
Hilarity fucking ensued during the past two weeks. So did surrealness, blazing hot days, broken down RVs on an uphill stretch of two lane highway, drooling bags of retarded meat, hostile 11 year olds, hostile 60 year olds, fantastic BBQs, beautiful swimming conditions, a drive through Napa Valley and a morning at the Mumm Vinyard.

Finally arrived back home here in Reno on Saturday night.
A full 5 days later than planned. TK’s RV stopped running about 10 miles into our drive back to Reno. The RV is still 5 hours away in Clear Lake, California at a repair shop.

The plan was to get it home, do some minor stuff on it and get it ready for Burning Man.

All in all an unusual but fine experience.
Except for the broken down RV and gorked out-of-control drooling bag of cunning, conniving, pathological lying, stealing, disgusting, masturbating-in-public 18 year old bag of rancid stinking meat; and those are his good points.

I blame his parents primarily of course. He has not had any real boundaries set, has no punishments for his transgressions, and his dad encourages him to think he will be ‘normal’ and then does not watch him.
Everyone else has to watch him to make sure he doesn’t harass, touch, steal or injure an unsuspecting bystander.
This resulted in the little fucker telling both TK’s 11 year old daughter, as well as myself, that we were ‘sexy’. You can’t get more inappropriate than that.

He does nothing but watch television and mindlessly drool over People magazines.
He wants to “get married and have babies” but his mom and dad will not tell him it cannot happen.
The fucker needs to be in a home before some guy kicks his ass for making advances on a wife or child. Or stealing from them. He is famous for stealing and then lying about it.
He knows right from wrong.
He’s strong and tried beating on his dad during a major meltdown last week.
To think I am unhappy over MY kid. Ugh.

Enough about tards. We were at Soda Bay and it was HOT. Our spot received exactly zero shade. Oh joy. On the positive side the pool was a short walk away and oh how great that felt.
TK barbequed every day and the food was delicious.
Our camp consisted of myself, TK, TK’s daughter, his daughter’s 11 year old spoiled Mill Valley brat friend, and Dave and Dave’s Gork. At one point the aforementioned brat’s dad showed up for a night. We also fed one of the staff members. There was much food, libation and laughter at other people’s misfortunes.

We packed up on Monday morning, sans the girls. They had been picked up the previous day and taken back to Mill Valley. After getting the camp broken down, hauling debris to the dumpster, sweating in the blazing sun and cleaning the site we headed off.
Ten miles into the journey back to Reno, on Highway 29, the RV suddenly came to a complete stop.

Going uphill. On a two lane road.

We eventually called AAA and had the thing towed to a garage. Luckily, Dave’s family lived about 10 miles away in Middletown and I was driving the Jeep.
We were invited to crash at the home of a sister and brother in law. The house was a big old place on 7 acres in the country with a swimming pool. The weird part was that at least 20 projects had been started and none of them completed.
For instance, no carpeting and staples still in the floor with padding stuck in them. The best part? The carpet had been pulled up years before and never replaced.
Can you say ‘A contractor owns this place?’ Sure you can. We slept in sleeping bags for the duration and sat by the pool for 4 days praying that the RV would be fixed.
There was still more hilarity though as the Gork was also there with Dave although they were staying in their 5th Wheel.

A highlight was Dave’s brother in law finding the Gork upstairs, in a spare bedroom that contained only an ironing board. Naked.
“Hey! What the hell are you doing up there? Put on some clothes. Are you ironing your fucking dick?”

By Friday night it was clear that the mechanic didn’t have the time to devote to the engine and we were not going to get out of there anytime soon.
We cut our losses, transferred everything back out of the RV on Saturday and drove home in my Jeep.

Despite the weirdness of the trip I had a fine time.
On the way to Clear Lake TK took me to Nevada City for lunch at a hidden delightful place under the canopy of old trees and Wisteria. We stopped at Granzellas to sample olives then drove through Colusa which is an amazing old river town.

On the way back I had my first look at Napa Valley (Mmmm Mumm Vineyards) and a burger at Ikedas in Auburn.

So take out your Black Eyed Peas CD and sing with me…
Let’s Get Retarded Uh huh Let’s Get Retarded in Here!

~Miss R

Thanks to Gonzo for partying with Lizzie Borden and keeping her from having that rave last weekend.


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