ghosts from the past

I’d been drinking wine all afternoon, along with a few margaritas because it just seemed right.
‘Do you want to go hear the jazz downtown tonight?’ he asked.
A bit uncertainly, since I don’t hold my liquor as well as he, I said yes.

We got dressed and I complained about the shoes. A pair of black heels owned by his ex-wife. They didn’t fit too well but I’d no other shoes with me. Being already half bagged I bitched with each step though. I know now that it certainly pissed him off.

His ex was a beautiful woman who is exceptionally talented as well. He isn’t truly over their tumultuous three years together but he no longer loves her.
I’m a jealous woman who is not beautiful and only vaguely talented .
I cannot excise that green part of my heart, so when angered will throw out stupid shit like “You still love her. That’s the problem!”
Except it’s not the problem. The problem is my own insecurity and fear of being abandoned.
He misses her but he no longer loves her.
I cannot ever find the right words or at the very least keep my fucking mouth shut.

So we listen to a decent band and have a few more drinks, then take a cab back to his house.
Alan listens to his phone messages and I black out. Not black-out in a good way, which is to say pass out. I apparently did a full-fledged Jekyll and Hyde spectacular.
I’ve no idea what precipitated my ranting.
I came to with Alan glaring at me
“I’m through Chris. I’m done. I will never go through this kind of thing again!”

He frightened me. I was so scared. Scared of his wrath, scared of what the hell I had said because I did not remember. Not a goddamned word.
Instead of going to bed and dealing with my behavior in the morning I took off like a small child. Angry, full of self-righteousness, and stupidly doing so without telling Alan.

After arriving at my house the entire situation crashed into me.
What in the name of god had I wrought? How could I have done something like this?
I called three times and he would not answer the phone.

When we met there was an attraction intellectual, physical, and emotional. It is intense and our involvement over the last nine months has been one of passion, laughter, understanding and misunderstandings.

When he drinks he can become either affectionate or demeaning. I never know but always hope for the affection.
He has told me before

“I do not love you.”
“I do not care about you.”
“I am not your boyfriend.”
“I am looking for a Barbie.”
I have also heard him whisper

“I love you” and tell me that my art is fine and that things will be alright.
He keeps his distance.

Not wanting to be hurt but not wanting to live.
I understand some of it.

My life has been uncertain and stressful the last six months and my last long term relationship was with a crazy man.
My ex husband.
He did not drink. He was simply cruel and vicious.
Repeating that cycle is not something a sane person wishes to repeat.

Neither Alan nor I ever claimed to be sane.
I just wish that I was not such a fucking stupid cunt sometimes and could have some measure of decorum.
Maybe it’s not in me.
Or Alan.
Or anyone.

~a story by miss r


6 thoughts on “ghosts from the past

  1. You know, there is a rule about things said while intoxicated. They have to be taken with a grain of salt. All sane people know this. It is the unsane people who cling to those statements like they are more valid than reality.

    Wait, neither of you claimed to be sane.

    Never mind.


  2. There was this great interview with Katherine Hepburn once. The interviewer was asking questions about her relationship with Spencer Tracey. And I do not remember how it went exactly, but the interviewer was asking about his drinking. And she said, Yes he drank. And the interviewer was really looking for something, anything, sort of excitable about all that, and was probing and saying well didn’t he say things or do things you found disturbing? And Katherine Hepburn said, well he had been drinking, you cannot take that seriously people just do that when they drink.

    I thought it was funny in today’s society when alcohol is such a black and white subject and anybody who drinks allegedly is beating women or children or something for someone to be so pragmatic about it. Sure he drank and sure he said some dumb things. So what?


  3. oh god i love the story or tracy and hepburn and actually own a first edition of garson kanin’s ‘tracy and hepburn’ (geek geek geek).
    thank you for the fine reminder of life, as opposed to reality; which is over-rated of course.
    the latter i mean.


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