i’m sick

I’m exhausted and nauseous this morning.
It was too hot to sleep last night and I didn’t want to leave all of the windows open. My apartment is on the ground floor and I was suffering a case of the paranoias.

Finally at 3:00am I grabbed a clean sheet from the closet, threw it over the couch in the living room, turned on the tiny AC unit in there and tried to sleep.
Still no luck.
I brought the fan out of the bedroom and pointed it directly at myself as well.

Finally fell asleep sometime around 4:00.
It’s hot already this morning.
I may go to a meeting this afternoon if I can stop sobbing.
Losing TK after losing my daughter is more than I can deal with. One of the reasons my daughter became so whacked-out was because I was seeing TK.
There were other reasons as well of course.

We spoke yesterday and he was civil to me. I did the usual last-pathetic-attempt to convince him he was wrong.
Pleading my case was pointless. I appeared foolish, pathetic and crazy.
As you do in these situations.

Juvenile threats to myself are empty. Hell I will not take a dirt nap, not with a daughter that I love.
I just want to lash out, to change what cannot be changed. To have a spark of optimism that one day I will see this man again.
To be forgiven.
To be cared for as I once was.
TK railed at me “how can you even consider doing anything so fucking stupid. You didn’t even know me 9 months ago.”

I do not see the logic in that idea. It does not take a specified amount of time to fall in love with someone. It could happen in a month, a year, a few weeks.

I love TK’s daughter and will never see her again either and here I am crying even harder.

There is no one in this world who gets me, or that I have found to be on the same par intellectually, or who finds the same things darkly humorous.
We could laugh at anything and anyone especially ourselves. The exact same phrase or idea would pop out of our mouths simultaneously.

We joked that pretty soon we’d have no need for words -smile-.

I wish for oblivion but not a drink.
I wish TK would forgive me.
I wish that I could forgive myself.

4 thoughts on “i’m sick

  1. Nirvana is defined as a state of supreme liberation and bliss.
    The word in Sanskrit refers to the going out of a flame once its fuel has been consumed; it thus suggests both the end of suffering and the cessation of desires that perpetuate bondage.

    Be uplifted, you are dangerously close to reaching Nirvana. I reached this state about a year ago when my wife got jealous of my girlfriend and told me more about her love life over the past 25 years than I cared to know and my girlfriend was demanding more than I cared to give.

    Seems the wife won hands down in the ex-lover category and the girlfriend was so possessive she was damaging my aura of joy when I’m around woman.

    The desire for love is now gone and the bondage that love brings is also gone. Sex is necessary, love is not. Both woman stayed, and I’m stone cold – no act.

    Relationships are now on my terms and so long as there are woman who seek sex from me without my love it will stay that way.

    It may not be fucking bliss but it beats the shit out of emotional dependency and bondage.


  2. oh if i were able to simply enjoy sex without love and the emotional high then life would be nirvana.

    you’re a lucky man to know what you want and attain it as well.

    i feel too much. always have. always will.
    there is danger in caring for another but there is that indescribable bliss that a close bond (not bondage) brings out in two who are connected.

    a foolish romantic? there’s no denying that.
    i’m a fucking pessimist who dislikes mankind but finds love in the individual.
    i just want this horrible searing pain to abate.
    flipping a switch to shut off the feelings and memories in my heart is not an option.
    hell i’m wired with that woman circuitry.

    i shall however keep my eyes open for nirvana.
    thank you for the words and comment -smile-


  3. Oh Rachael, I hurt so bad for you. I wish I could make you feel better, and I wish I could reach through this monitor and fix it all for you.

    I’m so sorry that I can’t.

    Kisses, consoling kisses to you.


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