An Honest Resume

RESUME

R. C. Black

Position Desired: Anything that involves a lax working environment, Merlot, regular breaks, and complete anonymity
Salary Desired: 60K a year starting is acceptable OR you could pay my phone and electric before it’s shut off on Friday. Either one’s good.

Qualifications:
Piss poor writer with a compelling need to break all rules of grammar which were enforced during college English and writing classes. Mediocre musician with a specialty for ragtime which is of great value if you are making a period film circa 1905 to 1925.
Works well with others by smiling and nodding and then going home at night to create intricate voodoo dolls of the people who have pissed me off.
Ten years of experience in web design which no one in their right mind would pay for. 
Adept at wrecking HTML, JavaScript, CSS, ASP and DHTML.
Extensive experience with PhotoShop; forte is replacing faces on porn star bodies with the people at work who have pissed me off. Then posting them on my blog.
Ten years experience in finance and banking which allows me to gloat when management cannot compute the quarterly budget.
Can barely operate a typewriter but can spew forth sarcasm and sadness with equal fervor when cornered.
Unable to maintain a relationship which is a boon for an employer. No worries about potential  bad feelings between co-workers!

Experience:

KREN TV
Executive Producer of Online Media.

Cruising Youtube and Fark.com while wasting the station’s money with the rest of the production crew making self-serving and satiric videos for the web. Fucking off a lot. Re-designing the station website because it sucked ass. Yea verily. Agitating management. Voice-overs.

CABIN FEVER and DAMNEDGAMES.COM
Owner

Retail bizarre games, toys and puzzles. A waste of 10 years of my life. Lost everything I worked for in the divorce. Malcom Forbes cut me from his last party the bastard. Successful e-commerce site which is also gone. Management of all employees most of whom were drugged out college students and bitter housewives. My people.

Education:
BFA Music Performance 1982
Cal State Long Beach (utterly pathetic isn’t it)

Affiliations:
Alumni: Capistrano by the Sea Home for Cognitive Impairment
Mensa: I probably cheated to get in because I’m a fucking genius

7 thoughts on “An Honest Resume

  1. This is the part of the movie where you THINK the guy doing the interview will be outraged.

    But, no… not quite…

    “I’ve never seen a resume like this in my life! What.. moxie! What honesty! We could use a real straight-shooter like you around here! I like the cut of your jib!

    You’re hired!”

    Like

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