Division Day

My sister just called. Seems that someone sent her a link to my WordPress blog. A blog in which I spoke of our family, including her.
The problem is this: The characterization I portrayed in that piece was in no way flattering to my sister.
She is very hurt and very pissed. When we got off the phone she was incoherent in her tears.

Goddamn this. I write to write. I make additions and observations about the people in my stories to (hopefully) give them a life of their own.
I never craft a piece in an attempt to hurt anyone. Only to amuse myself and hopefully my readers.

I apologized to my sister and tried to explain that I never write anything to intentionally distress anyone. The idea that anyone in my family would see these pieces was ludicrous.
Was.
I’m a writer. I like characters. I like stories. I love to write.
Creativity and exaggeration seem to dance hand in hand. At least for me.

What do I do now? Change names? Situations? Edit every word which flows from this keyboard? Allow the people in my stories to be two dimensional? Stifle my own madness and creativity?

I’ve now accomplished the complete division of what was left of our nuclear family. Chances are good that I will never see my sister or niece or nephew again. I’ve no idea what other repercussions will rain down through the family branches.
I’m pretty sure an umbrella will not help.

I’m torn, hurt, humiliated, filled with sorrow and confused. I can only hope that someday my sister understands that I am only a narrator and window. Nothing more. Not a biographer or newspaper editor reporting only facts.

I only want to make other people laugh and think.
I just want to write.

Fuck.

~Miss R

ps thanks for the words of encouragement donna

17 thoughts on “Division Day

  1. Wow Rachael, this really sucks. On top of everything else over the last year to have to deal with this sucks even more.

    Sometimes I wish the world wide web was a little less wide.

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  2. That’s so messed up, and exactly the reason no one in my life reads my blog. I’m wondering why the person sent her the link.. especially if it was unflattering to her.. just to upset her? To mess with you? That sucks. I hope your sister will get over it and allow you to explain instead of holding a grudge forever.

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  3. it’s funny. i was sure no one in my life would ever see this blog. hell, my name’s not even on it and it’s not as if my family makes a practice of surfing blogs.

    i was thinking the same thing about the person who sent the post to my sister. now that’s vindictive and evil. hell, i’ve never even written the name of anyone in my family with the exception of my father, and that was only recently.
    i hope that my sister will allow me a cogent response some day. we’ve never been close but i would surely hate to lose her.

    i have already deleted two of my blogs since she called. including the one which was a requiem for my father. the one in which his full name appears.
    i stopped deleting pieces after that. it’s stupid to do so and a knee-jerk response.

    thanks to you both

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  4. C- I am not pissed, just incredibly hurt…..the hurt will go away, not the family. The person who goggled dad wanted me to know that it was out there under dad’s name not to cause a prob. I appreciate the courage she showed, because she knew it would be hurtful for me. I also appreciate the courage you showed in talking to me.
    I get you, I understand you, I grew up with you…..you are brilliant, you are so gifted in your music as well as your writing. please don’t stop…I know this is an outlet for you. I won’t read this if that is what you want or need. If you would maybe leave full names out so it won’t haunt us again.
    My love for you is much stronger than what you must relies. Maybe one day you will get me as well, I would like that.
    You and Cate are the only other family I have, and I don’t ever want to loose that. love, the sis

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  5. sis~
    the only time i have ever used a full name was in the requiem for dad. i posted it the day after i returned from his funeral.

    my favorite adage has always been ‘never let the truth get in the way of a good story’ and it reels through my work.
    a character in one of my pieces is not the real person. ever.

    i’m so surprised to see your comment and when i googled dad just now i couldn’t find the link anywhere in the results.

    i never intended to hurt you and we are both still raw with grief. i only hope that as time goes on, and if you decide to read these writings again, you’ll know that i imbue my characters with foibles and the typical dysfunction of real life. the things that other people can truly relate with.
    they in no way portray my real and hidden feelings.
    that’s something that can never be shared by the written word, at least not by me

    love

    ~the other sis

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  6. this will be the last entry from me for the benefit of you. I will email you or call from now on.You did tell me you would remove it from the net which you did, I check as well. Please for the sake of what you and I have been through let this go in the honest form. No one was trying to hurt you or me. And I know you weren’t trying to hurt anyone in your wittings. And I have to tell you they are pretty f ing funny…the only really bad part is the 1/2 sister part and how many people might have goggled dad as well. That info very few people knew about, and could have devastating effects to me, you and our children. If you would like, I can send you the Google page before you removed it. Please let this be what it is……..

    love you

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  7. Asking you to censor the expression of your feelings for your father and his death is asking a lot.

    Families do this a lot. Demand silence. I have a theory families that demand too much silence create their worst nightmare: A writer. All those things a family forces a child to hide, cover, and pretend are not there build and build until they find outlet in the written word, whether in fiction or in non-fiction, they spill out finally in a flood of expression that can rarely be stopped.

    It was wrong to ask you to remove those posts. I doubt it is the first time a family member has made demands you be quiet and keep family secrets though.

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  8. You don’t write (or play your music for that matter) because you necessarily want to. You HAVE to. You express yourself and tell the truth without the intention of doing any harm to anyone ever. To remove posts that expressed your honest feelings in order to appease one person that is important to you is understandable but does a disservice to all of us who benefit from your honest expressions and observations. The truth will always find it’s way…and it’s an absolute defense. Not that you need one.

    Write on.

    Donna
    (playing minor 2nds for the world to hear…or not)

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  9. max,
    a keen observation. secrets were a large part of growing up. the major part i think., l laughed my ass off at your comment ‘they create their own worst nightmare: a writer’!
    how fucking true.
    as usual you’re on the money my dear.

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  10. donna,
    i thank you as always. pulling that post was horribly difficult but the wrenching hurt and pull of family overcame me.
    i so appreciate that you believe it is a disservice to deny my words an outlet.
    you’re right you know and always have been…
    i have to write and play my music.
    that is the only thing which keeps the demons (and all of those old secrets) from overcoming me.

    i promise to never censor myself again.
    cross my heart and hope to live (far more meaningful than the usual saying -grin-)

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  11. hey fatsavage babe,
    just read your most recent posting.
    oh god you do understand. loved the part about your son losing his shit over your ‘debauched’ life -grin-

    so… how do i get back into the swing of writing? dear god i’ve become a creature of depression , guilt and apathy.

    you’re a doll. love your writing. wondered why you quit and am so glad that you’re back

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  12. I came across your website, started reading….through 2 cups of coffee…ended up to this point to say YES, meeee to. I was busted for writing about my feeelings about a friend. It was a “BITCH” rant that is since gone but I was called on it.

    Everybody survived.

    I love your blog

    Like

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