Only 5 Shopping Days Left until The Apocalypse!

For your Pre-Apocalyptic enjoyment here are a few suggestions to ease the transition.

Oh, you weren’t aware that the world was ending on the 21st? Well here’s some proof. PROOF I tell you!

If in doubt please send all of your now worthless, cash, stocks, bonds, title to your home(s) gold jewelry (We Pay Top Dollar for your old gold jewelry! Just place it in a handy envelope and Fed-Ex it to me. Hurry before the Fed Ex drivers dissipate) to me. I’ve built a specially equipped Anti-Rapture Safety bunker to keep all of your potentially worthwhile trinkets, spare chhange and Bentleys safe.

NOTE: All items may be returned if Judgement Day is cancelled due to snow, rain, ice, flooding, illness, errant arks or Acts of God. For a small fee. See contract for extra-fine small print.

Of course there are certain religions that adhere to the idea that only 144,000 of the ‘chosen’ will ascend (I’m looking at you Jehovah’sĀ  Witnesses) and leave their jewelry, dirty diapers and 1974 Cameros propped up on cinder blocks. We can pick and choose this stuff. KNOW your neighborhoods!

The one and only ORIGINAL Looter Guy

For the rest of us Jews, atheists, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists and other pond scum all we have to do is take the next few days and study up.

TOMMOROW:

Apocalypse Tips from the folks here at Yo-Yo-Dyne!

Tips, Links and How to safely Dispose of those Pesky Earthly Shells Left Behind!



12 thoughts on “Only 5 Shopping Days Left until The Apocalypse!

    • bless you my child and may you survive the coming end of the world. the amusment of looting the local Food Clown, all the Heineken you can carry and the vast areas of parks, ocean, ski slopes (who needs insurance anyway!) and National Parks no longer infiltrated by morons.
      Oh, and thanks for the comment. Off to take a peek at your blog šŸ˜‰

      Like

    • You know I really do try. My experience owning a retail store really helps in times of crisis… and deciding what is really worth looting.
      Personally I’d start at costco and work my way to the clothing stores before all of the socks are gone.
      Ta da! Instant Inventory for those souls (or souless as the case may be) to open their own business.

      Like

  1. I’m not sure if I wanna sleep with one eye open or not. If someone is going to come on me do I really wanna see it? According to that God is a man after all and should likely be made to sign the sex offenders register… which could be fun as he’d have to put his location ‘Everywhere’ just wouldn’t cut it in court

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  2. Fuck the shopping, I’m looting the Christians’ houses on Sunday! The big-ass churches have awesome sound systems. Just to make sure, I’ll drive by the church a couple times to make sure everyone’s gone. … and to prevent people from looking at my house, I’m gonna put up a sign that says “I hate God and You, and I’m armed, bitches!”, then hang a blowup doll outside the front door.

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    • You know, I do believe you have the best idea yet. T
      he best part? Taking all of their cars with the little plastic jesus fish and driving them THE FUCKING SPEED LIMIT instead of 10 miles below it.
      Gotta find a blow up doll.

      Like

    • I’ve consistently asked them that !
      Other tricks over the years:
      1.Tell them I’m a satanist (Or Witch), we’re having a holiday ritual this weekend, and would they care to attend one of my religious ceremonies?
      2. Told them I’ve Jewish. For whatever reason they give up immediately.
      What? Lighting a menorah once a year eradicates any chance of getting in on the fun? Have never figured out why this distrubs them so much
      3. Answer the door stark naked. They can’t near to look, look at their feet and someone hands me a Watchtower as they scurry away.

      you’ve nailed my fave though.

      Like

      • Love your #3… you were truly doing the Lord’s work. I’m sure the fortunate Watchtower peddlers who were treated to your wares, “released” themselves quickly from their faith… among other (ahem) things. šŸ™‚

        Like

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