Sing with me! “Jesus Love the Little Children, Munch Munch Munch Munch”
Here are a few tidbits of religious history that you’re probably not aware of. And not to worry! Each sect has it’s own incorrect ideas (and dates) for the End of Days. I am aware of them because for some bizarre reason theology and mythology (same thing) fascinate me. I’m one of those people who are tagged by the Mormons (LDS brand) and Jehovah’s Witnesses (Jehovah Jehovah Jehovah!) in the Do Not Attempt to Assimilate Log.
First off, Christianity itself was built upon the idea of an immediate apocalypse, one that was to occur during the lifetimes of those first followers. Ooops.
There’s nothing in the bible stating that thousands of years would pass but there are passages in Luke, Romans and Daniel which allude to ‘The End is Near.’ and it was to occur in the first century.
One of my favorite apocalyptic dates was New Years 2000 when all computers were to inexplicably self destruct into a million pieces and mankind would be thrown into the stone age. Celebrated like hell that year. I worked with computers and here were hundreds of thousands of nutbags stocking up on water, ammo, and the last porn left at the 7-11.
But I digress:
How about those Jehovah’s Witnesses? Well their history has been a roller coaster, and the religion was pretty much dead in 1925 when thousands of followers gathered on a hilltop to watch the end of the world… and of course everyone else was drinking bathtub gin and dancing their asses off. It took 50 years for the church to rebuild a following. Here are the main reasons:
1874: Date for Christ’s “invisible presence,” changed to 1914
1914: End of the world
1915: Replaced 1914 for the end of the world
1918: End of the world, the destruction of churches
1925: End of the world with the return of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob
1929: “Beth Sarim” House of Princes built in San Diego, deeded to king David and other biblical prophets for their “soon” return upon the earth
1940’s: End of the World would come with the “soon” battle of Armageddon
1975: 6,000-years of human history, the end of the world would come within “months, not years.”
1994: 80-year Generation of 1914 should bring the end of the world, 1995 redefined the word “generation” to be symbolic of general readiness for the end.
That’s a hell of a lot of Apocalypses. all in one religious sect too!
Look, I could go on about the Seventh Day Adventists, Mormons, Catholics and just about every other religion.
The Jews are still waiting for the Messiah, although the Torah does mention the End of Days there is not a prescribed date. Nor the idea of the Chosen People going to heaven and the Gentiles going to Hell.
Pretty fucking smart: make no predictions and you won’t wind up with spoiled milk, evaporating gallons of water and pallets of stale matzoh.
Here’s a fun page (note I said fun. The authors admit they have no resources to back up their claims.) I can vouch for coming across several of them myself in various scriptures and texts. No that this means a bloody thing
THE REAL DAY(S) OF THE APOCALYPSE!
Scroll to Failed Prophesies.
Now certainly I’ll get some nasty feedback from my readers (Hi Mom! Hi Dad!) and all I can say is: Too fucking bad. Write your own damned blog and I’ll see you Sunday for dinner.
Have a few more visual signs to help get through the coming Days. You’ll notice that NOWHERE in this essay did I include a picture of the Four LOL Cats of the Apocalypse. If I see this damned graphic one more time I’m off to Geneva. to put sugar in the tank of the Large Hadron Collider.
Heh. I got your Supreme Being right here Baby.