SECRETS REVEALED: The Truth behind Santa and Hanukkah Harry

First, little miss heart-as-black-as-onyx-cold-as-ice (No Styx references or I will find you and kill you) broke down and bought a Christmas turkey today. It’s only me this year (Half-A-Hebe aka my daughter, won’t be here until New Years) so that’s pretty retarded.

Note to Mensa: membership card in the mail

Also picked up cranberries from the produce section, extra butter, Mrs.Cubbisons bread cubes for stuffing, mushrooms, etc. Naturally when checking out of the store I realized the goddamned turkey was FRESH not frozen.

Good thing Hanukkah Harry comes on the 21st… Sorry Santa: no soup for you.

On the bright side I can drink champagne this Christmas Eve and not worry about the hideous Christmas morning hangover which normally throws me into heaves while slicing onions and gutting a large bird at 7:00 am Christmas morning.

I said Christmas turkey as opposed to holiday turkey. Sure, it’s not like we ate ham at Grandma Anna’s at Hanukkah, but still the turkey is considered a noble Christmas tradition.  Honestly I don’t care if you wish me Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Crazy Kwanzaa, Cool Yule or a Festive Festivus (you wouldn’t BELIEVE how great my stripper pole looks with the tinsel). It’s the time of year when we wish for magic and snow. Or in my case, growing up in Los Angeles, rain.

Seriously. Kids actually pray for RAIN on Christmas in SoCal. It’s actual weather.

Lucky Ex-Husband Number One is from Brooklyn. He couldn’t figure out how the hell kids could believe in Santa’s sleigh when there wasn’t any snow. Ever.

Of course he is Jewish, and I explained to him that keeping an oil lamp going for 8 days and nights in the middle of a barren desert pretty much fell into the same category.

Okay back to the topic: So you wanna kill your in-laws this happy holiday season!

No. That’s next week’s post.

 It’s ….Santa and Hanukkah Harry!

I got good news and bad news.

Hanukkah Harry DOES exist, as does Santa. True.

Santa brings a plethora (which is slightly more than a buttload) of gifts on one night. My friend Liqourstore Bear thinks that Santa isn’t real, but has his doubts. After all, how could our parents –constantly whining about upside-down mortgages, collection calls and no you can’t have that cereal it’s $4.99 a box- possibly provide gifts, wrapping paper, and batteries not to mention keep all of those goodies hidden from us?

As always the doubts stem from some jerk-ass kid at school whose parents are Jehovah Witness and don’t even celebrate the poor little bastard’s birthday, nevermind Christmas.

However, you will note that the stockings ARE stuffed by the chimney with care on Christmas morning.

As for Hanukkah yes we receive eight crazy nights of gifts. The problem is that we get the same shit that the Christian kids do. One night is socks, one underwear, etc, etc and hopefully on the final night you get what you REALLY wanted.

Don’t forget that one night you get gelt (the little chocolate coins) to use with your dreidal. No coincidence that gelt (for you goyim it’s Yiddish for money) sounds so much like guilt.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

So, the bottom line is this: kids get gifts at the holidays. It’s the HOLIDAY LAW. Doesn’t matter how broke your parents or grandparents (thanks for the socks grandma) are.

Logic follows (however non-linear) that Santa and Hanukkah Harry DO exist.

All you have to do is Believe…. And always use MasterCard.

~Miss R

p.s. Mom actually purchased the holiday meal. She doesn’t know yet. I have no money nor matchsticks to sell. And yes, I did use her Mastercard.

 

24 thoughts on “SECRETS REVEALED: The Truth behind Santa and Hanukkah Harry

  1. There was a Saturday Night Live bit decades ago (when they were funny) of John Lovitz as Hannukah Harry.
    I have stressed to everyone I know that socks are not a present.
    And I enjoy giving my girl a new fun present every night. Or at least stuff on different nights, if I wasn’t able to get 8.

    Hope you enjoy the turkey andthe hangover!

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      • already got my ‘toe socks’, which is what I call ’em. An early gift from my ex-step mother. Or maybe she’s still my step mother. Hmmm, my dad died three years ago and she was married to him. Things get kinda tricky with the whole in-law step-parent thing here.
        The point is: got my cool Christmas socks already.

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    • The Saturday Night Live bit was where I got the Hanukkah Harry from. Pretty sure ‘He’ didn’t exist before then.
      you’re a good parent.
      Tried not to make my daughter guess which night was the ‘wears or socks either 😉
      Now under the tree (we’re a full denominational pretty close to pagan but closer to atheist family) it’s always the joke to FIND the socks. every year they’re wrapped completely differently. Learned this from my own devious parents. You try to find the freaking socks first (one year they were wrapped in an empty xmas paper tube, wrapped with xmas paper) to get that loser out of the way.

      Looking forward to the champagne thanks! Hangover not so much -grin-

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  2. I’m confused with the spelling. I saw a poster similar to your first picture except it was a picture of Charlie Chan and the saying was “keep the ‘Chan’ in Channukah’.”

    I try to believe in Santa, but when there are no presents under the tree on Christmas morning, I end up going to the convenience store and buy lottery tickets for my daughter. She is baffled as to why if Santa builds toys, she ends up getting DC Lottery tickets every year.

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    • Ahmnodt, tell her that Santa is behind schedule by the time he gets ti your part of the country. Does she have ANY idea how long the line at OTB is on Christmas Eve? Sheesh. Some kids just aren’t grateful.
      You spending all of that time waiting in line because Santa was wayyyyyy up in front of you.
      Kids these days.

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  3. Rachael, witty as usual. i used to get underwear as a xmas gift…and a scarve…AND socks – from the jewish/hanukah side of the family (father) – lucky me. but one year way early on – maybe i was 6 – i got a Tom Mix outfit with hat, gunbelt, 2 holsters and faux pearl handled six-shooters, from the italian side of the family (mom) …yippee…the pic exists somewhere of me and my cousin Donnie in our matching cowboy garb leveling our six-shooters at the camera in front of my aunt Agnes’ house in Queens. sadly, i no longer care about xmas or hanukah, and, in fact, somewhat dislike, and strongly distrust, this time of year…not to mention the ongoing aural assault by the plethora of shitty music where e’er i go ( which began a month ago.) with love and wishes for a peaceful, pain-free, and comparatively prosperous 2012 and beyond. continue…

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    • Tony, what I’d give to see you as a kid in a Tim Mix cowboy outfit. Was just watching my own personal Harold Lloyd movie marathon this weekend. So I know you know how few people are aware of the great silent stars.
      What a COOL gift.

      The holidays make me more depressed than usual -quite a feat- so I tend to ignore them or overfill the egg nog cup to an oblivion point.
      Although the family is comprised of Jews, Methodists, Catholics and Protestants I’ve always been an atheist. No matter how hard I’ve tried to find a religion or spiritual path it just doesn’t take.
      Don’t feel so badly as every study I’ve seen correlating faith in a higher being to intelligence shows that the higher one’s intelligence the less likely they are to believe in a/the deity.
      If you’re like me -and have a feeling you are- you just wish you COULD believe. Being an outsider is great for your art but not so snazzy for your soul and heart.

      As for the holidays I (and my daughter) have always celebrated them in a totally secular manner. Hey, give me a ritual and reason for a party and I’ll get up at 3:00 am and put together a bicycle, or arrange for a Solstice celebration in the woods.
      What kills me is the family gone, being so alone and that old ghost of Christmas past,
      The entire commercial and syrupy circus sickens me, but always has.

      The ten years I had my retail stores I NEVER played Christmas music in the place. The employees dug it. You know what cheers me up when shopping, sipping espresso or hanging out? The Ramones! Grover Washington Jr! BB King! The Killers! Beethoven!
      Know what else? Over the years customers had nothing but happy tidings and good cheer when walking into Cabin Fever (said retail madness biz ‘o mine) and NOT hearing holiday music. Every person LOVED being away from the same crappy (you VILL feel good. Schuuuuuuuultz!) music.

      Thank you as always for the kind comment Tony.
      Have a wonderful week of whatever you choose.
      Hope it includes lots of tasty goodies. As you’re in NYC the coveting.jealousy meter is running high. Oh god I miss Balducci’s, Macy’s basement deli, Katz’s, even the appetizing store around the corner on Ocean Ave and King’s Highway near my old place.
      Cheers my friend!

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  4. Seriously wishes if anyone is playing Cmas carols they are by the Ramones. *giggles* My store was no carols, too. Hate them. Went to a Bible study recently where they were parsing carols. I chose We Three Kings. Imagine the raised eyebrows. No one had ever heard the fourth verse. PFT.

    I wrote my letter to Santa already…Hope you read it after the S&W series 😉

    And drink three for me. Skipping the champagne this year in favor of Courvoisier.
    Cheers,
    Red.

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    • Red you are fab. although an atheist I went to a Christian college the first two years, and do NOT think that other beliefs are below or wrong. Please keep giving feedback. Would LOVE to hear about your dissection (sorry parsing) of Three Kings. Especially as a Half-Hebe Half-Welsh hybrid 😉

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      • This is the part for Balthazar. Here are the lyrics:

        Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
        Breathes a life of gathering gloom
        Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
        Sealed in the stone-cold tomb

        Everybody loves it, no one has heard it. Just smacks of “You can’t handle the truth!” But you are teetering on a rant, if I continue in this vein.

        I am the one explaining the history of the world (and sometimes Brian) at these soirees. Meh. What are ya gonna do? Kick me out?
        Red.

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  5. In my house we celebrate Christmas so I would like to say, “Merry Christmas, Rachael Black!” Now let your mind be filled with Hark the Herald Angels Sing, sung by the Peanuts gang. 🙂

    This all makes since if you have seen the Charlie Brown Christmas special.

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    • And a Merry Christmas to you and yours Scholar Mel!

      Remember vividly as a child waiting for the yearly showing of Charlie Brown Christmas. The Peanuts theme was probably the first song I taught myself on the piano. Still play it to this day. There are always smiles around, despite my not having Vince Guaradi’s talent and the years of playing and being afraid to look at the actual sheet music -grin-.

      Your suggestion is a beautiful one, and THAT brings a holiday smile to me.
      Have a magical Christmas Mel.

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  6. El Guapo,
    go baby go! with all of the musicians, actors and artists of all types around here we could put on a show. Albeit a deranged, amusing, dark and satirically intelligent show. Calling Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney!

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  7. Hanukkah Harry exists! 🙂 I’ve never hear of him until now. Always thought it was Santa, is where I grew up from.

    That’s lovely. It’s a beautiful time of year with cheer and spirit in the air. You know though, I can’t help thinking of the homeless, the less fortunate, those battered wives etc – not meaning to bring the spirit down (!!!) but I hope everyone spares a bit of that cheer for a situation they meet, should it come to them.

    Happy Hanukkah to you – would have said Merry Christmas but I see that aint your thing. (I saw your comment on another blog, is why I dropped by, by the way in case you’re curious).

    Seeya,

    N.

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    • N,
      Thank you so much for stopping by. a Merry Christmas to you and yours 🙂

      You’ve a good point about those less fortunate, and this year I am one of them; BUT (and it’s a big but, but not mine because I got no junk in the trunk. I am THAT fucking white) I do have a roof over my head and paid the rent through January. A turkey to cook, thanks to Mom. My beloved grand piano and the (classical and original) carols and favorite music to play and sing right here in the living room.
      No longer do I have a husband that beats the living shit out of me, my daughter is on full scholarship at a great college, and thinking back I’ve done more in my life than 20 people combined have done or accomplished in theirs.
      Mostly I have friends, all over the world. Reading their writings, receiving their emails and hearing their voices on the phone take the sting away from future worries for today.

      You have a wondrous holiday and as I always say: Remember the less fortunate this holiday season; lock your doors and windows.

      Peace,
      ~R

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      • N,
        I truly wish to read your blog after clicking on your link and seeing the Gravatar image/description. Can you send the url or name? sounds as if we have several more things in common -smile-
        ~R

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  8. All true. My mum came home with $2 left today and no idea where xmas supper’s coming from (never mind alcohol, which I think was truly irresponsible). But there will be gifts from Santa, if not HH, who has not shown up (perhaps because I didn’t leave a snack?). Going bankrupt for xmas sucks, but watching the kid’s xmas ripping frenzy? Priceless.
    I need some liquor, though.

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    • Bear, have your parents stop by Chateau du Blaque. Errr my place.
      Discovered a fabulous holiday cocktail today.
      Equal parts Rum Chata and Three Olives ‘Cake’ vodka. Shaken and poured over ice.
      Beats egg nog by a mile and while an expensive treat, easy to make and serve. Plus, it’s sweet so you can’t drink too much of it.
      Well you could but I’m pretty sure the stuffing would spew forth from your head in the morning… and stomach area parts of your anatomy as well. At the very least a sugar hangover.
      Can’t recommend this holiday drink highly enough though. New, interesting and both liquors are unusual and mix fabulously together.
      Nom!

      Like

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