The Staggering Gourmet

Oh I miss Graham Kerr.

So, all that weight I lost while recovering form the back surgery last year? Gained 30 back from the 40 lost.

Totally depressing. Was actually able to wear my cool-ass TRIPP skirts and Goth shirts. First time in five years.

Now…. Not happening. Am back to lying flat on the bed struggling to get that zipper up on my jeans. The fave bondage style jeans? Can get them on but… need a longer –looser- shirt to cover my belly. Just the chains and straps show. Not cool.

So back on to the Atkins I went. Yeah always gain weight afterwards. There is NO diet that works. If they did no one would be overweight.

Hey you on a diet… let that sink in. Eat less, exercise. The only answer,

Well, the depression has overtaken me since I asked my BF to move out in October, and the pain is unmanageable (more on being ‘granted’ Medicaid and losing EVERY decent doctor because of that, later) and of course the snow, ice, blahblah blah. Can only say yours truly leaves the house (i.e. bedroom because I can only afford to heat one room) once a week. Maybe.

So am back to being a fattie. To me at least. Actually med-wise as well. To the ‘charts; I should weigh a minimum of 140 at my Amazon height of 5’2″

Yeah I was the loser in school ‘fatso fatso two by four couldn’t get through the kitchen door’. Worse? I was a ‘brainiac’, straight A’s, last picked for anything in PE geek-o-rama: believed it my entire life and kept picking boyfriends who reinforced it. Look at those old photos now, days when I was in my 20’a and 30’s. Fucking hottie! Fucking dumbass!

Who knew. I didn’t. Broken picker. Surely whined about this previously which brings me to….

New and Improved Improved YoYo-Dyne Diet.

Follow the Easy Street To Weight Loss (Assuming you’ve given up the bulimia in your 20’s and 30’s –want it baaaaack)- and are not anorexic (see dictionary: my sister).

  1. No bread.  note: Do NOT kill yourself yet. You’ll want that death wish later
  2. No taters, cottage cheese, cream cheese, pasta, or..well anything but meat.
  3. Yes this is ASS. All the butter and fabulous fresh pressed olive oil you can eat. Without bread or potatoes or pasta.
  4. Veggies. Not all. Broccoli and Spinach are good. No carrots. No green beans. Certainly no corn or beans! Pretty sure the gas situation is what helps. Who the hell wants to be anywhere near you?
  5. You can already tell your budget is broken by now. But hey! You will lose weight.
  6. So you want a cocktail? Who doesn’t? Thanks to extensive research by John Bigbootie (no longer with YoYo-Dyne due to –REDACTED–) we have discovered that Gin is the lowest in carbs of any adult beverage.

Based upon this discovery we recommend a Gin and DIET tonic for the occasional cocktail. Sorry, if you’re a drunk you’re pretty much fucked. And fat. No not overweight. Fucking fat. Have you SEEN the Midwest or Reno? Pretty sure Mumu’s are sold by the gross here and everyplace else in the West, Exception being San Francisco and LA. Well, you kids back east have the entire South to deal with, so it works out.

  1. Okay cocktails covered but how to combine them and STILL lose weight?! This is where YoYo-Dyne comes in. Lemme ‘splain….

Tonight’s meal: sautéed mushrooms (yes from a fucking can but you CAN make them tasty with caramelizing onions, seasoning, etc), green onions –almost gone but cut those fuckers down, wash em and cut em. Chop fresh garlic (cheap!) in a pan. Add garlic infused (not flavored) oil and REAL butter. Set aside. Oh, hope you added the (cheap-ass) white wine.

Dredge beaten-to-a-pulp skinless boneless Chicken breasts in an egg and a small amount of flour. (Yeah fuck the dead Dr. Atkins on the flour situation). Cook said chicken until just about done. Add the nommy shrooms, onion and garlic. Stir. Hope you added the dammed white wine. Serve. With remaining glass of hideous white wine. You won’t mind because you’re fucking sick of gin.

  1. Oh dear god what a great meal. With leftovers if you use two chickie breasts. Works great when you can’t afford fresh veggies (fucking 1%ers!) and best when you buy the chicken breasts in a bag from Wal-Mart or Winco.
  2. Ta Da! You have used the wine in the chicken, veggies AND your glass. Sure you’ve shot the Atkins level of carbs but you WILL lose weight.
  3. Final note: Do not ever EVER go on a date to a steak house with baked potatoes, fresh cheese bread and appetizers on the menu. Which I did last night. Praying for death now.
  4. Repeat Step One and Pray for Death

All My Nerdy Love,

Voluptuous in Reno

 

39 thoughts on “The Staggering Gourmet

  1. my simple diet rule is nothing white. and the sauteed chicken with the mushrooms sounds delish…check online recipe for chicken marsala…you’re close to it. now if only you could afford the Marsala. (trader joe’s near u? their’s is cheapish… ) anyway, stay warm…we need you. continue…

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  2. Ah Tony you already know me. This was my cheapo take on chicken marsala -which my usual is as good as any in Little italy. Wait until you try my Chicken Dijion -real cream mmmmm yesssss) or Chicken picatta.
    These are my ‘lean; varieties. Oh, and cheap.
    Trust me, it’s difficult to develop a waistline, unless you are on food stamps (oops) if using the correct ingredients (which I can no longer afford) or eating too damned much. Natch a lack of exercise may contribute to said waistline.
    I am a gourmand, and cook accordingly when allowed the correct ingredients.
    Mmmmm maybe when I get back to the city, you, I and EG can have a sit down and I’ll cook.
    Yeppers have a Trader Joe’s. Can’t believe they are on the east coast now! Rockin’

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  3. You need to try the ‘In the Niff Diet’ for naughty minded calorie counters, it was initially introduced back in the 1970’s for outdated Hippies and Burned Out Film Stars to wean on but a Tom Jones lookalike from Chicago tripped over his Leek on Rye and so the starve yourself diet was eventually scrapped…

    Coincidentally he was able to slip out of his handmade sandwich and treat himself to a sweeter dish of pancakes in maple syrup but in doing so he lost his spoon 😦 Actually I think that you should be sticking to your ‘YoYo-Dyne Diet’ as that sounds a lot friendlier than the ‘In the Niff Diet’ and with any luck you will have a team of man slaves to help you in and more importantly out of those jeans of yours…

    Of course there could be another diet that offers delights, desires, fetishes and ghoulish encounters with naughty minded futuristic robots but for now just stick to what you know best or else? 🙂

    BTW – I have sent
    you an invite to my Space…

    Have a wicked Friday now Rachael 🙂

    Androgoth XXx

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    • Ha. Was on the ‘Sniff’ Diet when living and working in New York City in the 80;s. Pretty sure it was the law back then. Damn I had a spotlessly clean apartment and fit perfectly into my suits and jeans. As the saying goes: cocaine is god’s way of telling you that you make too much money heh.
      No worries of going back to those days of hedonistic, excessive craziness; well, except the week every year at Burning Man of course.

      Love your comments always. Have a green fiend of a weekend!
      Dementedly Yours,
      ~R

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      • Yes it is St Patrick’s Dat tomorrow so grab yourself
        a bit of the wicked and try to be good for a change 🙂

        Have a lovely rest of day
        and evening Black Raven 😉

        Androgoth XXx

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  4. Lost some weight on Atkins and then South Beach but then got Kidney stones and the doc said it could be from a high protein diet. No more of that. Weight Watchers did great stuff till they changed their system to be more carb oriented.

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    • Been there Bearman. Was on Weight Watchers at age 11 -back in the primitive days when you had to weigh literally every gram of food that went into your mouth.
      It’s a lot easier in the summer when being outside for a walk, swim or bike ride is so welcome! Used to stay very fit in the winter by skiing 4 days a week, but am no longer allowed to hit the slopes as much. Or at all the past two yeas. Guess I ran over too many snowboarder biscuits in the out of bounds. Idiots keep sitting down on the slopes! -that’s my story. doc said I could use it.
      Good luck to your weight loss plans and oh I feel your pain; get kidney stones too.
      Be Well!

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  5. I like the ‘substitute everything with gin’ solution 😉

    I weighed a massive 19 stone about three years ago. I’d managed to get down to about 13 by this time last year – and then my dosage of Seroquel was increased to 600mg/day. Game over.

    They’re going to put the Seroquel back down when I’m less mental – and then I’ll join you in dieting solidarity! Good luck in the meantime 🙂

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    • Pandora: I also put on serious poundage on Seroquel. Forced the doc to remove it from my ‘cocktail’ after putting on 10 pounds in about a month. jesus.
      Looking froward to our Hands Across the Pond Solidarity March!

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    • obviously a skinny guy. you lucky bastage!
      do the same thing when the big-ass value packs of chicken or steaks go on sale; freeze those babies two to a freezer bag. I always hope for a dinner date, otherwise I have some tasty left-overs for another meal

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      • Leftovers are crucial.
        A lot easier bringing lunch rather than buying, plus I know what me and my girl are eating.
        And trust me, I’m too skinny. I have all sorts of crap in my wallet just so it looks like i have an ass.

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      • El Guapo leftover are the BEST for lunches. After six months with the ex-boyfriend, had finally convinced him that not only was he saving $5.00 a day on crappy fast food, but gee… he stopped gaining weight. No he isn’t fat, but he was putting on a gut.
        We girls call it a ‘pooch’.

        I also wear assorted items against the backside, Gain my weight in the front but luckily (I think) it’s distributed okay between aforementioned pooch and the boobie region.
        Sadly, I’m just so white… got no junk in my trunk.
        When I grow up I’m gonna be skinny!!!

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  6. I hear ya, sista! Weight loss/gain/maintainage/fuck it all, it gets depressing. Up and down, nothing says ‘frig-off’ more than a night with a bottle of wine and a bag of Doritos. Yep. Those are my downfalls. I have to re-focus…which takes 99.9% of my energy. *sigh* Best wishes!!

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    • Kaijai, the more I learn about you the more I believe that we were separated at birth.
      Have the exact same feelings about it, and it takes the same amount of energy, which leads to more depression, which leads to the wish to eat and/or drink more to help the pain, which leads to more depression about the failure to keep up the dieting…
      See? You explained all of that in only a few words 😉
      Best wishes to you too! Am tossing a bag of Doritos and decent bottle of wine your way -grin-

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    • Sadly, all the effort and self-control cannot make any diet work long time. Trust me.
      Going with YoYo-Dyne FTW this time around.

      Tony made a good point as well: Keeping white food out of your diet is a good way to cut back, it eliminates bread, potatoes all things starchy and sugars. It seriously helps anyone trying to not only lose weight but keep healthy as well.

      Naturally…. all of the things I truly dig.

      Cheap red meat, frozen broccoli, and the twice monthly chicken breast get really old really fast -hence the reason Atkins and South Beach are not long term solutions.
      If you’ve got an eating disorder you’ve added another layer to the, ah, cake.
      Whew! At least I hate cake.
      Of course I DO love rhubarb pie 😉

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    • Oh you are so right Don! do the same. Nothing like a home cooked meal from scratch. NO fast food or diner fare can compare to the tastiness, or healthiness!
      Have to admit though, I do enjoy a good cheeseburger off the backyard BBQ in the summer. Even then, I buy lean meat lol

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  7. My ‘diet’ has never worked.
    I’m scrawny under-weight guy.
    Always have been.
    Any day, though… my neck will be bigger than my head and I’ll be benching a deuce and a half. At least.
    Any. Day.
    I’m… sure.
    Really. Honest. Maybe.
    🙂

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  8. The only diet which ever worked for me was the Oreo diet. Well, that and tequila. Oh, wait. And Scotch. (<<highly caloric) Well, there was the one time I tried the vodka diet, but all the extra starch made me far too energetic.
    Red.

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  9. Red: Am developing my own Home Do-It-Your-Self Liposuction Kit (Takes just a bucket and household vacuum cleaner! Plus $50.00 shipping and handling for the manual) along with my Home Dentistry Kit (Buy my pliers and string. Please.)

    Apparently a tummy tuck starts at 30K. Jeez after my kid and yoyo (dyne) dieting for 45 years I need one. Found a GREAT alternative: Tijuana! 10K for a tummy tuck and the lipo.
    Just need a small loan to make the payment….say,
    $9,999.50
    IT could happen.

    Like

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