Murder! Mayhem! Sex! Free Beer!

I am so full of crap. Great headline though eh?
This is my “I am Bored and All Alone in Reno Birthday Survey”.

Please do steal and re-work it for your own glee and amusement.
I did.

you need a bat to the side of your head

Tired of all of those surveys made up by dumb and/or degenerate
high school kids?

How about one made up by a dumb and/or degenerate adult?

50 questions for the people who are a tad older

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Car insurance. Those blood suckers

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Um….. it’s been months and months. Probably TK’s house.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
Who says I’m not a virgin? Sheesh. Lies and whispers I tell ‘ya.

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
Marrying Lucky Ex-husband Number Two. That dickhead.
Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Abraham Lincoln

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Sitting on a beach in the sun reading a book while simultaneously being felt up by a hot erotic man. Oh yeah, since this is fantasy I’m drinking a glass of champagne as well.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
A pathologist or a movie star

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two; graduated from the second. could n longer afford the first.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
What shirt?

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Oh they’re too low. I must pay more.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
Somewhere warm with the ocean nearby… South America maybe

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Thank god that was a dream –shudder-. Nightmares are my life.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
It’s cold in here and who stole my life?

14. Favorite underwear?
none

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
eyes

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
cleaning up after other people i.e. my kid

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Sure. For CIA pharmacological experiments.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Well that depends if I actually sleep at all

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
George Bush

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy /girl?
That is potentially the stupidest question I’ve ever come across. Pardon the terminology.

21. Have you found real love yet?
I did but of course I’m an idiot romantic

22. When did you first start feeling old?
In the early 90’s when I realized that my vinyl collection far outnumbered my CD collection

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Unbaptized small child. Medium rare.

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
An empty wallet

26. Beach or lake?
Beach.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No. I just have a steep learning curve

28. Do you own property?
Technically my daughter is chattel and not property

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Oh yeah I’m gonna post that.

31. What’s your drink?
Club Soda and Bitters. Shaken not stirred.
32. Cowboys or Indians?
Huh? What happened to ‘grown-up survey?’

33. Cops or Robbers?
I always played the Serial Killer. Strangely there is no one around to confirm this

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Hank Stratton. He was my best friend, which brings me to a favorite joke:
Why did god invent fat girls? So little gay boys would have friends.

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
KRZQ or NPR. Don’t remember.

36. Norm or Cliff?
Norm. Cliff was not amusing just dumb. The same reason I’ve always detested I Love Lucy.

37. Grey’s or The Office?
Neither. Dexter or 60 Seconds to Disaster

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
That should read mistakes plural, this is not an essay and I am not Dostoevsky

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
You mean the cat?

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Dead? Dorothy Parker. Living? Harlan Ellison.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
For what –raises eyebrows- ?

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
In 1982. Into a tree off of Laguna Canyon Highway. Driving my ’76 Camero. At 50+ MPH. Good times.

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Well it wasn’t really me, it was the driver in car in front of me. On the 91 freeway in the middle of the desert coming back from Palm Springs. Seems the engine was on fire. Damned disposal Hyundai

44. Last book you read?
The Lost by Daniel Mendelsohn. An account of the author’s search for family members who were killed by the Nazis in Poland. It’s funny, sad, intriguing and suspenseful.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
Hell no.

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
The front yard. I don’t think that this is so strange though.

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Camping along the Russian River

48. Do you go to church?
What is this ‘church’ you speak of?

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Funny you should mention that as I have neither

50. How old are you?
19 or 39. I can’t remember…..Steely Dan or Jack Benny

Currently listening:
Small World Big Band
By: Jools Holland & His Rhythm & Blues Orchestra
Release date: 18 December, 2001

-NOTE- This was originally posted in 2007, and answers reflect that time in our/my glorious history. In particular I was 12 years sober, still had retirement accounts, and had not yet sprouted a gray hair; the Demon Seed was not yet into the full tilt boogie evil teen mode. Seems as though nothing else has changed.
Thanks to Max for re-posting this and reminding me. See her answers to my eccentric survey at the previous link.

Oh. my birthday is  actually November 12. Gift registry available at any Dollar Store near you.

43 thoughts on “Murder! Mayhem! Sex! Free Beer!

  1. Thanks Kayjai! Wrote 95% of the questions as well. Took a few questions from a ridiculous post on my daughter’s myspace page. Ahhh the pre FB days…. along with the keystroke program I installed on her computer before she was 17
    Signed,
    Some ‘Mom you’re such a Bitch!
    -btw she’s 18 and in college now.. and my best friend -grin-

    Like

  2. *whew*
    Thanks for the heads-up… I was all set for go on the birthday thing.
    But now I take it all back.
    Well, you know… until November, anyway.
    I really enjoyed this, too, Ms. B…
    was kinda hoping for at least 50 more!
    🙂

    Like

    • awwwww you’re the best sweetie! Trust me, if you are suffering from incurable insomnia and do a search on YoYo-Dyne you’ll find plenty of other fucked up Survey Says! posts I’ve done. That’ll get you sleeping for sure.

      Like

  3. Soooooooo a re-blog from way back in 2007 well I like your stylish slant on life, how do you mean which parts? Hey just concentrate on the Medallion of Wickedness and with any luck you will be hypnostised in thirty seconds flat… Now answer all those fifty questions again but this time with an uplifting naughtiness that will have you trembling for another…

    Miss. R… Miss. R… MISS. R wake up Miss. R it was all a dream and now you have another dinner date with Harlan Ellison, oh hell I hope it’s not George Bush instead, I mean the cartoon version is bad enough but try ordering a meal with someone that can never remember a name, never mind the bloody menu… Fish and Chapatis with Fleas anyone? 😦 lol

    Have a lovely rest of afternoon Miss. R 🙂 😉

    Androgoth XXx

    Like

    • Thank you Andro,, will call Ellison, but he is not getting out much anymore. Believe he is dying from all reports. did meet him once at a conference -my favorite writer; so very twisted.
      gonna skip the Bush banquet… if he’s anything like his dad it’s time to void the spewing sushi.
      Working on the wickedness 😉

      Like

      • Hey glad to see you working hard on the wickedness, it’s soooo easy (Hmm… Well you are already wicked so it should be a breeze for you 😉 ) Have a lovely rest of evening Miss. R and the dinner date with your Harlan Ellison is via the time machine so just punch in the dates that you like and enjoy whatever is on the menu 🙂 😉 lol

        Hey, soooo naughty be good for a change…

        Androgoth XXx

        Like

    • Ha! Own VHF on VHS. Al went to school about 5 miles from me. Heard him first when I was about 11, and he was still recording his songs in his bathroom. Another name drop (B list is the only people I’ve hung with :lol:) he spent time in my old store, sent me a a signed pic for the store and he a very very nice guy.
      Try to think it was upbringing, smog and suburban LA upbringing that makes us -and many others deranged. 🙂

      Like

  4. Have finally emerged from a three day binge….I was rolling on the floor as Beau was reading this to me. My tele speaks in a right proper Brit accent. You would have loved to hear him say, “Who says I’m not a virgin?” ROFL!

    One of these days you are going to answer the tele when I call, and we are going to run the batteries dead.

    Red.
    xxx

    Like

  5. I just came by for another look at this one Miss. R
    your answers are hilarious, and wicked all at the same
    time 🙂 🙂 I do hope that your evening will be a lovely
    one my fine and sweet friend (no I am not creeping
    after a few slaps on the ass, besides it’s me that does
    all the flogging 🙂 lmao) 🙂

    Be Good Now 🙂

    Androgoth XXx

    Like

    • A match made in heaven/hades! Flogee here, except once a year out in the desert when I do the switch routine for the benefit of camp guests who forget to bring their own cups to the bar.
      Now YOU be good Andro; which I’m sure will work as well as trying to control a hurricane 😉
      xoxo

      Like

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