Night of the Living Wine Gums

They’ve come. You could say the same of myself.

It was a dark and not particularly stormy night in Reno, Nevada. The wasteland of the west.

Here is a bit of background: Read it. Jesus quit your paragraph skipping.

After several successful careers in various states (both physical and mental) your humble writer was forced from the United States into banishment. Threats of burnings in effigy, psychotic villagers with dull pitchforks and letters to editors across the country brought about this bizarre event.

I’m not one to brag, but it may have been partially my own fault. Potentially my fault. Okay entirely. I’m that good.

Reno is similar to Vegas. A Vegas bereft of large food markets, any type of whacko culture –yes the Reno Strip looks like Meth Central- and graced only by a single Trader Joe’s. A Vegas run by a dying mob family turned hobo.

Reno: Home of the homeless. My bastille, trap, and foreseeable residence. All that is missing is a fine cask of Amontillado. Some fava beans would be nice.

Armed only with a piano and Internet connection this author was able to interact with the outside. To her consternation there appeared to be something missing. Something available to people from the UK to Canada to Rwanda.

wine gums

The fascination became overwhelming. After world-wide travels, residency in large wondrous cities, and the surreptitious sojourns to Tijuana, it became clear that I had been truly cheated of a life experience.

WINE GUMS!

These seemingly epicurean delights were mentioned by bloggers comprised of French, Goth, Australian, Canadian, and even some crazed redhead located in –shudder- the southern United States.

Today, while sitting in the desolate yet bizarrely charming Castille du Blaque, daydreaming of trimming the crypt with festive Festivus black and zombie green lights, a knock came at the door.

Welcome 'O Seeker of Knowledge

Welcome ‘O Seeker of Knowledge

Now realize, I do not leave the house during the day. Receive no mail save the daily carton of past due notices, and rarely answer the phone. The doorbell is anathema. Despite these fine character features I made an exception. I answered the door.

The exception that Changed My Life.

Wine Gums, directly from the Great White North. Sent by the god Peter, King of Wombania. Savior, Saint, Artist and All Around Amazing Dude.

The Wine Gum packaging was inviting. A black background festooned with images of the delights hidden within. With trembling hands I carefully reached for the scissors to open the first of three packages. Then threw the fucking shears to the floor and ripped open the bag with my teeth.

As you do.

Oh heaven moved upon the first taste. The flavors of fruit that pop. The chewy consistency. The feeling of… a life complete.

I shall Yelp my findings to the world. Offer a Laurel (and hardy) handshake to Peter, and emerge from this fortress of neurosis a new woman.

A woman ready to take on the world, fighting for rights of the oppressed free-thinkers, coffee addicts, and slightly used Guapola ferrets.

I KNOW THE SECRET OF LIFE AND THAT SECRET IS WINE GUMS

Piss off ye Philistines and rednecks of Nevada. Kiss my lily-white Irish-Hebraic ass you uneducated cretins of Reno. Oh, and a big Fuck-Off to gummy anything candies.

Tasty Goodness is mine. I owe it all to Fraz, Winky, Binky, and an amazing artist named Peter.

To paraphrase Rufus T Firefly….Hail Hail Wombania!

 Now phuck off and let me nosh on these wine gums until my remaining 3 molars fall out.

Mmmmmmmm Wine Gums.

~Miss R

39 thoughts on “Night of the Living Wine Gums

  1. You’ve finally been inducted into the ranks of a true Wombanian by having your first wine gums. Now you can see things in their proper perspective and can access the Wombie wisdom that has moved nations and changed the world.

    And if you eat half a bag or so at one time you get a slight tingly feeling in your mouth. That’s when you know you’ve experienced their full effect.

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  2. To: Yoyo-Dyne Honco
    BCC: Corpse of Groucho Marx
    RE: Wine Gums

    I was in the midst of hammering out a rather terse and poorly punctuated Letter to the Editor, but NoooOooo. You told me to read EVERY paragraph. Now I lost my indignation, righteous as it was. All I can think about now is foreign treats, Palestines and Redheads of Nevada.

    Ok, maybe I didn’t read every paragraph.

    Respectfully,
    Gummy DB, ret.

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    • To: Commander DutifullyBroken, RET
      BCC: Corpse of Groucho Marx, Wombies, Gene Autry
      RE: re: Wine Gums

      Am writing in acknowledgement of your prospective Letter to the Editor.
      Launching a preemptive strike against further aggression to the literate (sic) traitor to the written word: YoYo-Dyne Propulsion Systems and their alleged Red Lectroid manager: Rachael Bigboobies.

      From the original:

      Hey you -redneck f-redacted. Thank you so much and -redacted- your family. How dare you and your moth-redacted- skip paragraphs. Here’s -redacted- in your eye.
      Happy Hanukkah and may Jesus bless you,
      ~Miss R

      ps. you crack me up
      -redacted- A!
      -grin-

      Like

    • Many thanks. good to know that the revered writer of GFB knows the score! As Binky has given permission for Champers, chocolate AND Wine Gums as a breakfast treat methinks a brunch is in store.
      You are all cordially invited to Reno, Nevada this Sunday morning. After our noms of coffee, champagne, chocolate and Wine Gums festivities will commence with the March of the Strip.
      We shall bombard each chosen (fine as opposed to decrepit) casino with our Wine Gum Finery. We’ll throw away quarters on foolish slot machines at whim, play 50 cent roulette, and enjoy 99 cent shrimp cocktails if we tire. Wine Gums shall be passed around and the Reno cheap cocktails – and espresso- are plentiful.
      Me casa es su casa babes!

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  3. Wow it is wine gum wicked time and I adore these wine gum evenings, mornings and afternoons so grab some of this and let’s party 🙂 Noooo this bag of extra large wine gums and don’t be soooo naughty next time either 😉 Oh go on then seeing as it is you and everyone knows how wicked you can be. Now what was I going to say next? Ahhhh yes how about I grab your… You are doing it again, I was about to say that I will grab your kettle and make us a nice hot drink as here in the UK it is freezing off the nuts time, or brass monkeys for short 🙂

    I am pleased that you have finally found the wine gum wizard (Binky) and of course been able to sample the many exquisite delights of wine gum sucking, yes wine gums and stop mind wandering already 🙂 lmao Okay as you cannot behave yourself I am out of here but guess what? I will be back later 😉 🙂

    Have a fun Tuesday Miss. R and suck it, I mean
    them slowly, you don’t want to waste any of that
    deliciously tasting juice 🙂 lol

    Andro xxx

    Like

    • Tues day was divine and I kept my hands out of the Wine Gums. The craving hit this morning though… had to carefully portion out a few with breakfast.

      If it were not for my Wine Gum Wizard (keep thinking Pinball Wizard and picturing Binky in disco platform shoes ala Elton John) I would have never found the state of grace which you and Binky are privy to.

      Promise to be good today Andro. Well, as long as I eschew the outside world. Think I’ll take your advice and just suck it (up)!
      You’re so bad… another reason I adore you 😉
      Muah!
      xxx

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  4. I know I’m the lone dissenter here, but I felt burned when I tried wine gums. Where, I ask you, is the WINE?? A whole bag of them, a tingly feeling, yes, and SOBRIETY. Aren’t there laws against misrepresentation?

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    • LB

      : did some research: As a member of the Northern Americas I just assumed (don’t fucking say it) that you were knowledgeable about such confections. So, without further ado.. what I’ve learned about the Wonder that is Wine Gums:

        Best Apocryphal Story:

      Original inventor started out to bring his teetotaler (i.e. PSYCHO) father into line with an adult version of sweets.
      Candy is still made under their name and distributed as ‘Maynards.’ Shockingly enough, this would be the family name. Orriginally made with a gelling agent….WINE GUMS WERE ORIGINALLY MADE WITH WINE! ta da.

      The tingly feeling one gets is from the addition of tumeric, or more commonly (as in the droolingly delicious bag sent by Binky) nettles.

      Wine gums were originally made with wine but it was discovered (by some moron) that gelatin could be used instead. Well let’s face it, once the alcohol has been boiled the kick is gone anyway.

      Gummies -as in Haribo- are completely sugar based, soft overly sweet and nasty. Gummy worms, gummy fish, gummy bears and gummy cockroaches here in the US are also covered with a sugar coasting. Actually more sugar than the Japanese could deal with.
      Or maybe not. That’s not the point though.
      The classic Wine Gum maintains the gold standard of gummy tingly goodness unfettered by crap.

      Wine Gums were ‘banned’ for a bit and a new recipe developed after the mad cow joyfest a few years ago. Um, think we all know where gelatin comes from.

      Best flavor: black currant. Note: writer admits prejudice

      Down Under: Wine Gum flavors are still labelled by their wine and fermented liquor names: port, sherry, Champagne, etc.

      Love the Waterbridge brand. Question for Binky: Is this strictly Canadian?

      Came across yellow (grapefruit ) and orange (orange) wine gum. Was NOT amused. So….. read on the Interwebs that the UK wine gum makers sometimes put out specialty packs of the blackcurrant (port?) only.

      Friends across the Water…. Say it’s true!

      Knee deep in Wine Gums tonight,

      Tomorrow another epidural, laser burn and back procedure.
      Need to nom before food cut-off. Damned anesthesia.

      Binky

      you’re my hero. Still two and a half bags left 😉
      Promise to make them last through the holidays and share the joy!

      xoxoxoxoxox

      Like

      • Wow! I just always took wine gums for granted. My dad is always gnashing on a bag of them in the car. He doesn’t care where gelatin comes from. I had no idea they were a Canadian thing; I would have said they were a British thing. My Irish granny was nuts for them, but then again she was nuts for wine too 😉

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  5. I am almost well enough to venture outdoors. I hope mine are waiting for me ❤ I heard the wine gum fairy was making a trip here, too. NomNomNom ❤

    Glad you lurved yours ❤ Muah!

    Like

      • Nothing all that private, as I went public with it today anyway. Strep went septic. Nothing some time in bed with doctors and nurses does not handle. Excited to be the impetus for leaving mon cercle de l’enfer. Kinda pissy about all the work time I lost. Meh. I can sleep next year ❤

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