A Poem In the Key of Depression

crows in rain LG

I can beat anything. Conquer anything
From intellectual pursuits to stupid bar jokes
From Music to Skiing
It’s a proven fact and my humility is obvious as you can see

Sitting on the bed
Looking at the damned walker
Thinking of the fall last week that
I told no one about. No more hospitals

Knocked me out cold and caused a concussion
Followed by the first migraine ever
Followed the next day by
Electrical shocks all through my body and numbness

Fuck you body! Fuck you disease!

The truth is kicking my ass
Trying to wrap my broken brain around something
Walking again might not happen at a 30% chance
No dancing no man to love my life a nauseating carnival ride

During the third week in the hospital
Psychosis and hallucinations had stopped
Idiot physicians had jacked me full of steroids and was allergic
Read the records last week they note Explosive Personality

Well when I was drinking and in a black-out it was true
As I read through the charts I laughed
Laughter tinged with grim thoughts
There were no notes on a previous steroid reaction

One night I wandered out to the nurse’s station
And asked for a Cabernet and a Cigarette
Don’t Drink Don’t Smoke What do You Do?
Thought I was on a spaceship. With a bar. It’s so me.

My boyfriend of three years came to visit the third week
After the cognitive functions returned
He admitted after diligent questioning and lies
He had been with another for months. My heart, will and soul crushed then.

So I looked at those paralyzed legs that day
Sitting on the hospital bed going on three weeks
Looking at that damned wheelchair
Knowing he had been cheating on me, why he had not visited but twice and quickly

The number one cause of death from TM
Is Suicide.
Not failure of the liver or respiratory system or falls
Those are the silver, bronze and runner ups

Mom calls every day
She drives from California every two weeks
She does the laundry, prepares food for the freezer
Cleans the house and brings me Fresca which is nice

No longer can I cook, clean or hold anything for long
Taking a shower is a bitch. On a chair. Like a geriatric
Please wash my hair I’m so lonely and it hurts
Feel a burden and pathetic whiner to express these words to anyone

These are my thoughts after almost three months
Working hard each day with PT exercises
Trying to take a few steps no concussion please
Never able to get on my tippy toes again

Fuck you body! Fuck you disease!

Mom called last night and asked how I was
Told her about the anger the shocks, numbness the embarrassment of the steroid reaction
The worthless neurologist with no prognosis and no advice
Exhaustion of the body soul and nerve function and tear ducts

So Mom said Be Glad you were diagnosed so quickly
So what if that steroid caused the staff to treat you as a scary diagnosed psychotic
Your boyfriend was an abusive piece of shit. There is progress. There is no longer a wheelchair
You almost lost your life

And I answered
What Life?

24 thoughts on “A Poem In the Key of Depression

  1. Pingback: Short Note: Poems in the Key of… | YoYo-Dyne Propulsion Labs: Reno Division

  2. Fuck! Rachel…all i can do is shout FUCK! your words are so into the marrow. i am sorry that such an obviously wise wonderful human being should have to endure this. i send thoughts to the universe for you. xo t.

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    • Tony, it is so good to see you. Thank you for your thoughts.’ Fuck this shit’ comprises most of my own thoughts. Have not read your recent posts, but am glad to see you back. Concentration is difficult, Cannot hold a book. Worse, Cannot play the piano; numbness and soon to follow shocks through the wrists arms then body.
      Thank you, you have always been so kind. Be well
      xo

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  3. Rachael, I am glad you made this public. You can reach out to us, we can help. We can be here, we can share our arms and shoulders. We can ask how we can help and you can tell us. Send an e-mail, share a phone number. Support is that close. I am sorry, don’t do this alone though; please don’t do this alone.

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    • Deb, am online all of the time as well. you’re so sweet to offer an ear and your time. Between all of your glorious artwork don’t know how you have time to write! I appreciate it more than words can express -smile-

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  4. But other than that, you’re doing good?

    Life can be fun at times. And just when you don’t think you can handle any more, you usually get dumped on. The good thing about now is at least you can be in contact with people and they can offer support and good will and sometimes just be a distraction from all stuff you have to face. It still doesn’t make it easy, but at least you’re not so isolated and alone.

    Remember that Twilight Zone episode where the old guy goes in to get a new body? That’s the prescription you need!

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    • Binky,
      I’ve been making jokes of wanting only one more surgery in life. that surgery will entail replacing EVERY organ and bone with plastic and/or non-corrosive metal.
      ,Happy it isn’t the Twilight Zone episode when the world blows up and Burgess Meredeth is left alone to read all he wants… and his glasses break. Now that would be bad.
      Be well and ask Fraz if he can make me a helmet. Don’t need full space gear, but something to prevent concussions when falling would do nicely. Maybe with a stylish pocket on the side to store wine gums?
      xoxo

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  5. “Explosive Personality” Bwahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahhaha You go girl. I heard Robin Williams say a few nights ago ” like shit on velcro” so I told a friend who then quoted Winston Churchill “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”. You , my friend are an explosive fighter, get creative and write a script. With big hugs from the Aussie loon xxx

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    • Dig the Churchill quote! Got more crappy news on my health yesterday. Naturally the first reaction is tears. Then the true value of pondering came into play.
      After pondering all night and this morning I’ve decided NO ONE PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER! Made some major life altering decisions.
      Will probably never be able to drive again and that’s the only thing that is wigging me out. If THAT is my biggest worry today I’m already making progress. PLUS: get to go outside in the sun and take a walk for the first time in almost 3 months YAY!!! The Physical Therapist promised we could walk to the end of the block and back. Sure, have to use the walker, but so what. Gonna go on parade!

      Thank you for the wonderful comment Loon!
      xxx

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      • Well that’s pretty lousy. The walking sounds good, though. Maybe once you’re stable on the walker, I could attach some rockets. The fastest walker in Reno! I’d better work on that helmet. And maybe some brakes.

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